This is a question that is often brought up by our members at BPDfamily.com , the support website for those with a borderline personality disorder spouse, parent, child or other loved one.
Our members often wonder: If someone with borderline personality disorder so fears intimacy, then why do they often cling so strongly and/or refuse to let their loved one out of their sight? And if they so fear abandonment, then why do they run away from their partners?
These behaviors are often two sides of the same coin, as we discuss on our forums.
Here are a few comments on fear of intimacy on the BPDfamily.com forum:
Staff member JoannaK writes:
Fear of intimacy alternates with fear of abandonment in many (most?) with bpd. "Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment" may mean "running away first". You may hear of the "engulfment/abandonment swing."
SuddenlySense, now serving as one of our Ambassadors, ponders:
I think the fear of abandonment is so intense in BP's that they can't bear to get too close because that would make the pain even more intense if they were abandoned. Does this make any sense?
Yes, SS, that makes a lot of sense!
Schwing, another Ambassador responds to a question on the same thread:
You are assuming that someone shouldn't fear abandonment unless abandonment is somewhat imminent. That someone (like your BPD partner) shouldn't fear abandonment from their partner when their partner has demonstrated a complete devotion to them (as I'm sure your BPD partner demanded of you). But that would assume that their fear is reasonable. Someone with BPD has an unreasonable fear of abandonment. They will fear real and IMAGINED abandonment. And the only way they can be abandoned is if they allow real intimacy to take place. This is why they make the connection of intimacy = abandonment. And this is why they trust you less the more they become intimate with you.
Staff member (and Site Director) Skip provides this insight:
I think many people fear intimacy... and for this same reason.... rejection sensitivity.
People with BPD are impulsive (emotionally immature) and have a high level of rejection sensitivity.
What often makes it complicated for us to understand is that someone with BPD wants the intimacy and fears it at the same time. They can prematurely (immaturely) get into intimate situations, but when the don't perceive a commensurate response in the partner, they get spooked.
This is further complicated because the "post honeymoon" phase in most relationships is a time each person in the couple define their own space and boundaries... this can be traumatic in any relationship... far more to a person with BPD.
You can read all of this discussion at Do those with Borderline Personality Disorder fear intimacy?
You will find much more information, many posts and stories about this aspect of a relationship with someone with borderline personality disorder at BPDfamily.com, the website for those with a loved one with borderline personality disorder.
BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPFamily is a non-profit, co-op of 30,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1996. Learn more in this brief video www.bpdfamily.com






