Fighting with a family member? 3 minute video on how to stop - once and for all

Are you constantly arguing with someone? BPDFamily.com / Facing the Facts just released a free, 3 minute public service video with two proven techniques to end it. The concepts are simple and they work. View the video here

Relationships can erode with time and become "programmed" for conflict. This video demonstrates simple techniques that a person can use to "re-program" the communications interface and defuse conflicts.

This production was developed as a tool for communicating with people affected by personality disorders, specifically Borderline Personality Disorder. People affected by Borderline Personality Disorder are often hyper-sensitive. "S.E.T." , one of the tools in the video, was conceived by Jerold Kreisman, MD. The other tool is an adaptation of Dialectical Behavior Therapy methods as conceived by Alan Fruzzetti, PhD.

Learn how to break the Cycle of Conflict.

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BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPFamily is a non-profit, co-op of 30,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1996. Learn more in this brief video www.bpdfamily.what is BPD

Fear of Intimacy and Borderline Personality Disorder

Do those with borderline personality disorder fear intimacy?

This is a question that is often brought up by our members at BPDfamily.com , the support website for those with a borderline personality disorder spouse, parent, child or other loved one.

Our members often wonder: If someone with borderline personality disorder so fears intimacy, then why do they often cling so strongly and/or refuse to let their loved one out of their sight? And if they so fear abandonment, then why do they run away from their partners?

These behaviors are often two sides of the same coin, as we discuss on our forums.

Here are a few comments on fear of intimacy on the BPDfamily.com forum:

Staff member JoannaK writes:

Fear of intimacy alternates with fear of abandonment in many (most?) with bpd. "Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment" may mean "running away first". You may hear of the "engulfment/abandonment swing."

SuddenlySense, now serving as one of our Ambassadors, ponders:

I think the fear of abandonment is so intense in BP's that they can't bear to get too close because that would make the pain even more intense if they were abandoned. Does this make any sense?

Yes, SS, that makes a lot of sense!

Schwing, another Ambassador responds to a question on the same thread:

You are assuming that someone shouldn't fear abandonment unless abandonment is somewhat imminent. That someone (like your BPD partner) shouldn't fear abandonment from their partner when their partner has demonstrated a complete devotion to them (as I'm sure your BPD partner demanded of you). But that would assume that their fear is reasonable. Someone with BPD has an unreasonable fear of abandonment. They will fear real and IMAGINED abandonment. And the only way they can be abandoned is if they allow real intimacy to take place. This is why they make the connection of intimacy = abandonment. And this is why they trust you less the more they become intimate with you.

Staff member (and Site Director) Skip provides this insight:

I think many people fear intimacy... and for this same reason.... rejection sensitivity.

People with BPD are impulsive (emotionally immature) and have a high level of rejection sensitivity.

What often makes it complicated for us to understand is that someone with BPD wants the intimacy and fears it at the same time. They can prematurely (immaturely) get into intimate situations, but when the don't perceive a commensurate response in the partner, they get spooked.

This is further complicated because the "post honeymoon" phase in most relationships is a time each person in the couple define their own space and boundaries... this can be traumatic in any relationship... far more to a person with BPD.

You can read all of this discussion at Do those with Borderline Personality Disorder fear intimacy?

You will find much more information, many posts and stories about this aspect of a relationship with someone with borderline personality disorder at BPDfamily.com, the website for those with a loved one with borderline personality disorder.

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BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPFamily is a non-profit, co-op of 30,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1996. Learn more in this brief video www.bpdfamily.com

Recovery: Living in the Moment

Many of us who are or were in relationships with people with borderline personality disorder have spent so much time focusing on the person with borderline personality disorder that we have neglected ourselves and our lives. We often lose sight of simply enjoying life; we forget to appreciate simple things. Even after a relationship with someone with borderline personality disorder ends, it is hard to refocus.

Elphaba, one of our advisors at BPDfamily, the website for people who are (or who had)loved ones with borderline personality disorder, talks about Living in the Moment:

Living in the moment is all about living like there's no tomorrow. It takes practice but in the end, you'll lead a fuller life. To do this you must realize beauty in every moment, and in everyday activities. This is your life, now live!


Steps

Take notice of the world around you. No matter what you're doing, try to find something beautiful around you. Maybe on your way to work or school, you go over a beautiful bridge, or you get a view of the sunrise behind the city buildings. Realizing these small things can bring life and happiness even to the most boring or routine days. Be thankful for those little things.

Focus on whatever you're doing. Even if you're just walking, or wiping the counter, or shuffling cards - how does it feel? There's probably some kind of commentary spinning through your mind, and it probably has to do with something other than what you're doing. Let those thoughts go and focus on what is (not what was, or what could be). In Buddhism, this is referred to as mindfulness. .....

Other suggestions are offered on the complete thread at: How to Live in the Moment at BPDfamily.com , the website for those with a loved one with a loved one with borderline personality disorder.

Thanks, Elphie!

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BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPFamily is a non-profit, co-op of 30,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1996. Learn more in this brief video www.bpdfamily.com

People of the Lie: Hope for Healing Human Evil

People of the Lie, reviewed at BPDfamily.com,the website for those dealing with a loved one suffering from borderline personality disorder, was written by M. Scott Peck, a psychiatrist and a minister, and originally published in 1983. It is still considered a ground-breaking book in the study of the concept of evil in psychology, and it is still widely read and discussed 25 years after its initial publication. Dr. Peck died in 2005.

Dr. Peck integrates concepts from psychiatry and religion to probe the essence of human evil. He sees people who are "evil" as people who attack others rather than face their own failures. He discusses and demonstrates the chaos that these "People of the Lie" create in the lives of their loved ones and others.

Peck uses case studies from his own psychiatric practice to demonstrate evil in everyday life. One of his patients, a woman he calls Charlene, is unable to feel empathy for others. Peck says that people like Charlene see others as tools to be manipulated for their own use. According to Peck, people like this are rarely seen by mental health professionals because they are convinced that there is nothing wrong with them. Peck also felt that these people have never been treated successfully.

The several traits that he sees as common among people he sees as "evil" are:

* The person projects his or her sins and negative traits onto others and tries to remove them from others via complaining, criticizing, "teaching", etc.
* The person maintains a high level of respectability and lies incessantly in order to do so.
* The person is consistent in his or her sins. Evil persons are characterized not so much by the magnitude of their sins, but by their consistency
* The person is unable to think from other people's perspectives (lacks empathy).

Peck does believe that evil arises out of free choice. He feels that most evil people realize the evil deep within themselves but are unable to tolerate the pain of introspection or admit to themselves that they are evil. Thus, they constantly run away from their evil by putting themselves in a position of moral superiority and putting the locus of evil on others. Evil is an extreme form of what he calls a character disorder.

BPDfamily.com, the community for people dealing with a loved one with borderline personality disorder, reviews People of the Lie in our book section. Several recent comments have been added to this review by our members. We wish to emphasize that comments posted to our board represent the views and opinions of the respective members and do not necessarily represent the opinions of BPDfamily.com .

One of our members writes:

Dr. Scott Peck may be one of the first people to have penetrated the root and the identities of people with personality disorders and BPD.

A staff member writes:

My own view is that he is using the term "evil" to describe a pattern of behavior, just as behavioral science professionals use other terms like "BPD" to describe behavior patterns. He goes further in attributing "evil" to a supernatural cause, which I think gives the book a stronger emotional impact and doesn't ruin it for those of us who don't buy the supernatural part. The phenomenon - the behavior pattern - is scary enough, whether you believe it's supernatural or psychological in nature.

A long-time member writes:

Obviously there are all kinds of (spectrum of) evil and what I got from reading this was ...the first part of the book where he talks about the subtleness of evil. Where your mind can create false justifications and lame excuses that will make yourself vulnerable to invite darkness in. After awhile, when you have conditioned your thoughts to make poor choices and unacceptable behavior okay, you tend to make it all the more easier on yourself to continue ... down that wrong path.

We wish to call attention to A.J. Mahari's recent reply.

Review all of the new comments in their entirety, join our group at BPDfamily.com, and add your own thoughts.

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BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPFamily is a non-profit, co-op of 30,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1996. Learn more in this brief video www.bpdfamily.com

Borderline personality disorder -- Treatment ? Recovery ?

Can someone with borderline personality disorder actually get treatment and recover? What does recovery look like for someone with borderline personality disorder? How long must someone be in treatment before they have recovered from borderline personality disorder?

These are very common questions posed to the staff and senior members of bpdfamily.com , the large and active forum for those with a bpd loved one.

We all admit that the path of recovery from borderline personality disorder is long and hard. Many with bpd may not recover. We've had reports of loved ones who have been in treatment for a long time but still have problems with difficult behaviors.

But the good news is that recovery from bpd is becoming more prevalent! BPD is no longer seen as an untreatable disorder by therapists who are in the forefront of working with those with bpd.

Dialectical behavioral therapy (developed by Marsha Linehan) remains the most well-known and successful treatment for those with bpd, but Schema Therapy, Transference-Focus psychotherapy, and mentalization therapy are also getting attention as successful approaches.

As to what it means for someone with bpd to be "recovered" or "recovering", please join us at the Workshop discussions on this important topic at BPDFamily.com - Workshop on Treatment, Cures, and Recovery .

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BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPFamily is a non-profit, co-op of 30,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1996. Learn more in this brief video www.bpdfamily.com

Borderline Disorder ----What is it?

Perhaps you have heard that your loved one has a "borderline disorder". Perhaps someone has told you that they think that you have a "borderline disorder". You may not know what they are talking about, and for good reason: There is no such thing as "borderline disorder". But there is a "borderline personality disorder", and there is a very good chance that is what is being discussed. (You can find very good, relevant information about borderline personality disorder at BPDfamily.com .)

So what is it? What is a personality disorder anyway, and does "borderline personality disorder" mean that someone is on the border of having a personality disorder?

Let's take one thing at a time. First, let's look at Wikipedia's entry on "personality disorder":

"Personality disorder, formerly referred to as a Character Disorder, is a class of mental disorders characterized by rigid and on-going patterns of thought and action. .... The inflexibility and pervasiveness of these behavioral patterns often cause serious personal and social difficulties, as well as a general functional impairment.

Personality disorders are defined by the American Psychiatric Association (APA) as "an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the culture of the individual who exhibits it". These patterns, as noted, are inflexible and pervasive across many situations...(and) perceived to be appropriate by that individual. The onset of these patterns of behavior can typically be traced back to late adolescence and the beginning of adulthood, and, in rare instances, childhood."

The "bible" of mental illnesses in the United States, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, defines ten specific personality disorders, one of which is "borderline personality disorder". Here's a quick summary from Wikipedia:

Borderline personality disorder (BPD), DSM-IV Personality Disorders 301.83,[1] is a psychiatric diagnosis, a diagnostic category in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (published by the American Psychiatric Association) that describes a long-term disturbance of personality function characterized by depth and variability of moods. It is one of four related diagnoses classified as cluster B ("dramatic-erratic") personality disorders typified by disturbances in impulse control and emotional dysregulation....

Disturbances suffered by those with borderline personality disorder are wide-ranging. The general profile of the disorder typically includes a pervasive instability in mood; extreme "black and white" thinking, or "splitting"; chaotic and unstable interpersonal relationships,....(among other things) These disturbances have a pervasive negative impact on many or all... psychosocial (aspects) of life. This includes the inability to maintain relationships in work, home, and social settings.

If you think that you or a loved one might be suffering from borderline personality disorder, why don't you view our video at BPDfamily.com ?

You may still be wondering why this disorder is called "borderline". We will let our friends at bpd.about.com explain it:

The term "borderline" was first used by early psychiatrists to describe people who were thought to be on the "border" between diagnoses. At the time, the system for diagnosing mental illness was far less sophisticated than it is today, and "borderline" referred to individuals who did not fit neatly into the two broad categories of mental disorder: psychosis or neurosis.

Today, far more is known about BPD, and it is no longer thought of as being related to psychotic disorders (and the term "neurosis" is no longer used in our diagnostic system). Instead, BPD is recognized as a disorder characterized by intense emotional experiences and instability in relationships and behavior.

Many experts are now calling for BPD to be renamed, because the term "borderline" is outdated and because, unfortunately, the name has been used in a stigmatizing way in the past. Suggestions for the new name have included: "Emotion Dysregulation Disorder," Unstable Personality Disorder," and "Complex Posttraumatic Stress Disorder."

If you have a loved one that seems to be suffering from borderline personality disorder, please visit BPDfamily.com . We will welcome you warmly!

If you believe that you have borderline personality disorder, check here for resources to help you.

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BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPFamily is a non-profit, co-op of 30,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1996. Learn more in this brief video www.bpdfamily.com

Gaslighting: When you doubt your reality

Gaslighting: A Workshop at BPDfamily.com

Have you heard the term "gaslighting"? It comes from the 1944 movie "Gaslight" with Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer. He was a nefarious individual who was intent on making his young wife doubt her sanity so that he could find hidden jewels. The gaslights in the hall would brighten and darken for no apparent reason, and he would claim that nothing was different when she questioned him about it.

Yes, she did start to go crazy. She was sure that she must be the one with the problem; she must be imagining that the lights in the hall were getting brighter and darker; she must be losing things; she must be hearing things. She couldn't imagine that her husband was doing this to her intentionally.

Gaslighting has become a common term for this kind of serious emotional abuse. Someone who is gaslighting another is intentionally lying or misrepresenting things so that the victim starts to doubt his/her experiences and perceptions. It can happen consciously or subconsciously. Here are some examples:

A husband may be telling his normal-weight wife that she is too fat.

A woman might complain that her boyfriend doesn't do enough for her when he refuses to pay one of her bills.

A man tells his girlfriend "Everybody know you are difficult and you complain all of the time" when she asks him not to go out to the bars for the third time that week.

A husband crosses the line in his flirtations with another woman at a dinner party. When his wife confronts him, he tells her to stop being insecure and controlling. After a long argument, she apologizes to him!

A manager backs his employee on a project when he met with her privately in his office, so she started working on the task. But at a large gathering of staff he suddenly changes his tune and publicly criticizes the employee's judgment. When she tells him her concerns about how this will affect her authority, she is told that the project was ill-conceived. Maybe she didn't understand what he told her? Maybe she isn't as competent as she thinks she is?

A mother belittles her young adult daughter's clothes, job, friends, boyfriends. Instead of fighting back, she tells her friends that her mother is often right (even though she's not sure this is true.)

If you think things like this can't happen to you, think again. Gaslighting is when someone wants you to do what you know you shouldn't and to believe the unbelievable.
Gaslighting is an insidious form of emotional abuse and manipulation that is difficult to recognize and even harder to break free from.

A kind, loving, caring person will begin to question him/herself: Am I really fat? Do I really look that bad? Am I really selfish? Do other people really see me as difficult? Maybe my mother is right! Maybe I am too controlling!

Please check out our interesting discussion on gaslighting, some of which is based on the work of therapist Dr. Robin Stern.

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BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPFamily is a non-profit, co-op of 30,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1996. Learn more in this brief video www.bpdfamily.com

Does your girlfriend have issues?

BPDFamily.com / Facing the Facts has announced the release of its first video production "Borderline Personality Disorder - Could it be?".

This 8 minute video provides and overview of the disorder from the perspective of a family member or loved one. "Technical definitions of the disorder are confusing at best to the average person on the street" says JoannaK, a staff member at BPDFamily, "This video explains the disorder in terms that anyone can understand. This video received over 1,000 views on Google's YouTube in the first week."

This video can be viewed at the following location:
http://www.bpdfamily.com/tools/articles2.htm

It is estimated that there are 17 million husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, and children in the United States are affected by Borderline Personality Disorder; also known as Emotional Regulation Disorder (ERD), trastorno l'mite de la personalidad, or dérégulation émotionnell. Few know and few are in treatment.

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BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPFamily is a non-profit, co-op of 30,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1996. Learn more in this brief video www.bpdfamily.com

You can diffuse almost any argument!

Are you arguing again? You can diffuse almost any argument. It's an important skill to possess. BPDFamily.com / Facing the Facts just released a free, 3-minute' public service video featuring two proven communication techniques. View the video here

The concepts are simple and they work. This video demonstrates the techniques that a person can use to "re-program" the communications interface and defuse conflict.

This production was developed as a tool for communicating with people affected by personality disorders, specifically Borderline Personality Disorder. People affected by Borderline Personality Disorder are often hyper-sensitive. "S.E.T." , one of the tools in the video, was conceived by Jerold Kreisman, MD. The other tool is an adaptation of Dialectical Behavior Therapy methods as conceived by Alan Fruzzetti, PhD.

Learn how to break the Cycle of Conflict.

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BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPDFamily is a non-profit, co-op of 30,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1996. Learn more in this brief video www.bpdfamily.com

Fighting with a family member? 3 minute video on how to stop - once and for all

Are you constantly arguing with someone? BPDFamily.com / Facing the Facts just released a free, 3 minute public service video with two proven techniques to end it. The concepts are simple and they work. View the video here

Relationships can erode with time and become "programmed" for conflict. This video demonstrates simple techniques that a person can use to "re-program" the communications interface and defuse conflicts.

This production was developed as a tool for communicating with people affected by personality disorders, specifically Borderline Personality Disorder. People affected by Borderline Personality Disorder are often hyper-sensitive. "S.E.T." , one of the tools in the video, was conceived by Jerold Kreisman, MD. The other tool is an adaptation of Dialectical Behavior Therapy methods as conceived by Alan Fruzzetti, PhD.

Learn how to break the Cycle of Conflict.

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BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPFamily is a non-profit, co-op of 30,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1996. Learn more in this brief video www.bpdfamily.what is BPD