Our possible attachments to our BPD parent(s) are many. They include the obvious ones, such as love, obligation, fear, guilt, habit, hurt, financial and other sorts of dependency, pity, affection, and more.
What is acceptance and the different meanings and related emotions to those raised in an abusive environment. Acceptance may anger, frighten, or free you. How you choose to regard and/or act is very personal.
Step 18 of the BPDFamily.com Survivors' Guide found in the right hand panel at Coping With Parents, Relatives, or Inlaws with BPD Board reads as follows:
HEALING (Step 18)
This step involves making a decision about resolving the issues left over from your childhood abuse with those who abused you and/or failed to protect you: your parents/abusers. The important task in this step is to resolve the abuse with your family in a way that is acceptable to you. You have the right to choose how to do this. It is not mandatory to confront your parents, family or abusers, although many survivors find confrontation valuable. However, you want to maintain a relationship with your parents/abusers without hiding your recovery efforts or denying your new identity as a recovered survivor, you probably will need to do something. And, if there is to be a continuing relationship, your parents/abusers will need to accept you as you now desire to be accepted: with respect, consideration and acknowledgement of the burdens you have overcome.
You must remember that, because you are dealing with people who may never have faced or changed their own abusive behavior, the degree of resolution will depend on the extent to which they can acknowledge the abuse. For this reason, there is a wide range of possible resolutions which, ultimately, will determine whether you can still have some kind of relationship with your parents/ abusers. If you decide to confront them, it is critical that you go into it fully prepared for whatever responses or consequences follow. If they do not want to hear your experience or accept the person you are becoming, then you must face the question of whether ongoing contact will be healthy for you.
This step presents the big issue of whether to forgive your parents/abusers. In a sense, resolving the abuse means coming to terms with what was done to you and accepting the feelings you have toward the people that did it. For some people this means forgiveness, but not necessarily for you. Those who were very sadistically and severely abused may never be able to forgive their parents/abusers. Accepting that the abuse occurred and putting it all behind you once and for all may be the only resolution that makes sense and feels right. Deciding whether to forgive or accept is your choice and no one else's.
Author: BlackandWhite, Skip
© The Norma J. Morris Center, San Francisco, California
BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPFamily is a non-profit, co-op of over 50,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1998. We welcome you to join our free 24 hour on-line support community and grow with us as we learn to live better lives in the shadow of this disorder. For more information or to register, please click here. www.bpdfamily.com
6 comments:
For many adult children of BPD parents, accepting that the parent they have always longed for will never materialize is among the hardest things they will ever do. It is through letting go of that fantasy that healing can truly take hold. There is a great deal of support for the healing process at the Coping With Parents, Relatives, or Inlaws with BPD Boar at BPDFamily.com
came upon this website by accident while looking for some parenting help for a challenging child. Saw the headlines for symptoms of a bpd mother and was shocked at how accurately it described my own mother. A childhood and adulthood filled with the longing for a properly nurturing mother and complete sadness when I realize that isn't possible. I wish I could talk to a specialist about this with my parents! I just hope I don't repeat the same terrible symptoms to my own children.
I have been undergoing therapy since a nervous breakdown last year. I am just starting to accept the recent memories from the age of about 10 yrs old when my Mother first invited me into her adult world by exposing me at such a young age to her very personal fears, upsets and concerns. Things that any mother should protect her children from became a regular occurrence for me. I felt confused, worried and responsible to 'fix' whatever was happening 'to' her. This has continued. Thanks to this website I recognize my mother's bpd and sadly what has rubbed off on me as learned behaviour but this website is helping me hugely with coming to terms with living with myself and managing my mother without continued trauma from her.
I am 32 years old, and have 3 children of my own, and am just now realizing the effects of my mothers BPD. Thank you, thank you for sharing your stories and making me feel as though I'm not alone.
Now that my BPD mother has past,I am retracing the path I walked as a teenage when I had to remove myself from her life and start a normal one of my own. The "dream of the perfect parent" has not faded even though I am nearly 50 now. I envy women who have mothers to turn to for advice and support. I've never known what it was like to have a mother invite us over for dinner, join us on a family vacation, or even call me on a Sunday afternoon to have a soft, friendly chat. I have to let go completely now. Death is pretty final. Mom is never going to be able to love me. I'm having a bit of a pity party and feeling very cheated. While longing and anger are part of the grief process, it's hard to deal wih it. All my friends seem to think that because I was estranged from mother I have no, or should have no, feelings resulting from her death. No one wants to talk about it so my poor husband has to listen to me re-hash every few days. It's been 2 months and 2 days now. I'm reaching the "when does this end?" stage and feeling very exhausted.
I had a nervous breakdown too because of my mother. I thought I was alone.
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