What is emotional incest?
According to BPDFamily.com, emotional, or covert, incest is an overclose bond between a parent and a child without normal boundaries, but without sexual contact. Conversely, overt incest involves sexual contact.
Patricia Love, PhD defines emotional incest as "a style of parenting in which parents turn to their children, not to their partners, for emotional support. To the casual observer, the parents may appear loving and devoted. They may spend a great deal of time with their children and lavish them with praise and material gifts. But in the final analysis, their love is not a nurturing, giving love--it's an unconscious ploy to satisfy their own unmet needs."
The BPD factor: Parents with BPD tend to be emotionally immature, have poor boundaries, and think in black and white terms (child = good; spouse = bad). Non parents, faced with a spouse who through his or her disorder may not be functioning as an equal and satisfying partner, may also turn to a child for support. The resulting family situation is one that is at risk for emotional incest.
What are the characteristics of an emotionally incestuous parent-child bond?
- The parent is using the child extensively to satisfy needs that are beyond the child's ability and role and that should be satisfied by other adults--intimacy, companionship, romantic stimulation, advice, problem solving, ego fulfillment, and/or emotional release.
- The parent is ignoring many of the child's needs, e.g., for protection, nurturing, guidance, structure, affection, affirmation, or discipline. Instead of the parent meeting the needs of the child, the child is meeting the needs of the parent.
What are the effects of a parent's reliance on a child?
What about other family members?
Emotional incest affects all members of a family. Love provides a "role call":
- The Invasive Parent--is enmeshed with a child in order to meet his/her needs that are not being met in an adult relationship
- The Chosen Child--is enmeshed with the invasive parent; often treated as "all good" and favored, but own needs to develop as an individual, to make mistakes and learn, to receive structure and discipline, etc. are actually neglected. Chosen children can also be treated as scapegoats, used "not just for emotional support but for the release of anger and tension."
- The Left-Out Spouse--spouse of invasive parent, is often shut out of exclusive parent-child bond; may turn to workaholism, alcohol, affairs, or other unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with an unhappy life at home
- The Left-Out Child(ren)--a non-favored child, may be neglected or receive less of the family's resources; may bond with the left out spouse
- Spouse of the Chosen Child--when the chosen child grows up and marries, his/her spouse may find him/herself engaged in a rather disturbing triangle with the chosen child and invasive parent
Where can I find out more?
See the Book Review for The Emotional Incest Syndrome, by Patricia Love, PhD on BPDFamily.com. Share your experiences by adding a comment.
Author: BlackandWhite
BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPFamily is a non-profit, co-op of over 55,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1998. We welcome you to join our free 24 hour on-line support community and grow with us as we learn to live better lives in the shadow of this disorder. For more information or to register, please click here. www.bpdfamily.com
14 comments:
Children who suffer with emotional incest need immediate help from authorities. Such issue can be considered as an abuse to their rights.
I happen to be the partner of a victim of Emotional Incest and it hasn't been easy. What's worse is that his family has serious issues with enmeshment. There are five women in his family who continue to play head games on him and he has had a very difficult time escaping it and living a normal life. His mother and his sister are the worst offenders and it's absolutely shameful. To watch the way they use and manipulate him is horrific. His sister has inspired two breakups before me and is trying to work her magic once again. I'm not so sure living through this hasn't had an adverse effect on me as well. At this point, I'm so entangled I just want to help him - but really, he needs to help himself. I know it's been hard on our relationship. Personally, I don't have any desire to even be around his family anymore - they are downright unpleasant, manipulative, controlling and destructive. How does one tell people like this to back off and stop imposing on another person's life? He's afraid, I'm spent and they're relentless. HELP!
I have been there with my ex as well. There is only one way for him to get out of this entaglement -- with Gods help through worship, relationship and prayer. Otherwise -- he will become victim to human nature and deceit as his family and corruption comes next.
I've read Silently Seduced and even confronted my Mom about doing this to me as a child. She felt as if it was the most disgusting and false accusation ever. And immediately told me that I'm exactly like my father and have learned to hate her from him. Now I just set everything as a boundary whenever I interact with her. I would rather her feel emotionally detached from me than be emotionally detached from myself. But, you can definitely forgive, heal, and move on to healthy relationships.
I am a victim of emotional incest.. I'm a 22yr old girl. I completely identify with this! I was sexually abused by my father from the age of 12 on-wards. I have only recently managed to gain the strength to report it all to the police. My dad manipulated me against my whole family including my own mum, so he could have me all to himself- to fulfill his needs. I am taking him to court now, but i'm so scared they won't have enough evidence to prosecute him :(
I have just realised -having read Sophie Hannah's novel 'Kind Of Cruel'-that I too,was the recipient of my father's emotional incest,which became overt when he made sexual advances to me in my 16th year.
This compounded the depression which first manifested when I was 13.
He would play me off against my mother-who used me as a family scapegoat and bullied me whenever an opportunity presented itself.She was unpredictable and veered between kindness and a cold,sniping spite.
She told me years later that she blamed me for ganging up on her with my father.
When i told her about the incest,she poured scorn on me.
30 years later,my brother also made sexual advances ,prompting a mental and physical breakdown.
When I told my mother about this episode,she told me to get out of the house,effectively rendering me homeless:I had to go and lodge with a neighbour.
To this day,my 2 sisters will not,and cannot, deal with this;both parents are dead and we are left with a outwardly respectable,well educated,but entirely dysfunctional family.
I am struggling with a parent who doesn't have boundaries and doesn't have the ability to see me as an individual. My life is hell and I try to make it work everyday. I find myself depressed and lonely quite a bit.
The "chosen child" and "left-out child" describes the dynamic between me, my sister and my BPD mother perfectly. I was the "chosen child" and the burden was enormous. My sister, as the "left-out child" was deeply resentful and jealous. I have recently tried to open a conversation about this with her, but she doesn't want to "trash mom" and it's very easy to do that after all the pain we went through. Still, I think we need to talk about this in order to heal. Any suggestions?
I have struggled with this my whole life as well. I am a 35 year old female and both of my parents vie for me as the 'chosen child.' I've had several broken relationships in the past and always ran back to them. One Christmas recently, I caught them in a lie, which was designed to end the relationship I was in at the moment. It almost did, but with love and support from my partner, I have learned to understand what a loving relationship is truly like and that I am not responsible for the feelings of everyone around me. I am not currently in active contact with either of them and the distance gives me room to breathe. I have set boundaries that they ignore repeatedly. I have confronted them repeatedly about this, but they always demur responsibility for their own actions. They blame their parents, or each other, and then want me to pity them for how they were abused, especially by each other. Physical boundaries become necessary when emotional ones are insufficient. Distance and therapy have helped me learn to trust myself and surround myself with people who care about me and show me in loving ways. I was helpless in the abuse as a child, but now I have the ability and right to walk away, so I have. It is always an option. As their child, I will always love them, but I will not continue to sacrifice my life on the altar of their pain.
I can relate to a lot that has been shared. Growing up in an adopted family, my adoptive father seldom put on pants at night when he walked around the house. He was usually in a shirt and his underwear. When I was in the bathroom getting ready for school, he would knock on the door, expecting to come in. He has his own bathroom, but wanted to throw his underwear in the hamper in our bathroom. He often pulled me into private conversations with him, where he would bear false witness against my mother.There was no differentiation between girls and boys, or humans and animals. I am truly suffering from depression, I have just become acquainted with the term Emotional Incest. I plan to do a lot more reading on the subject and a lot more sharing. God bless you all and please lift me in prayer, as well.
I'm a 39 year old male, a survivor of emotional incest, and a witness to emotional abuse. My father, a rageaholic, would repeated yell at my mother. She would not defend herself during verbal conflicts. One word would come out, and she's cut herself short. She used me as a confidante, telling me adult things: that my father would tune her out; that one of my relatives was an accidental birth; that my father probably only married her for sex; that she was attracted to a mutual friend of theirs; that my dad had been unfaithful. She even groped my behind once. This was mostly before I was ten years old (except for the groping -- I was in my late teens). To survive living with my mother after the divorce (at ten), I shut down my individuation and became my mother's friend. To the outside world, I "played possum", avoiding life's challenges and social development. Today, I am unemployed and tired of living. I wish there was hope for me, but I'm 39 and strongly doubt I'll recover enough to enjoy life and enter healthy relationships -- either friends or a long term companion.
I need help learning to get help. For far too long, I've felt ashamed of myself and guilty that my mother's misery wasn't happening to me. Any advice or suggestions you can offer would be appreciated more than I can say. Thank you.
My Husband is a victim of emotional incest, it's been a hard road to follow.I tried to explain to my Husband over the years what was going on, he was ashamed and disgusted by the thought of it.
Here is some of his mothers traits
-cried uncontrollably at the announcement of our marriage.
-complete hysterics over every one of our child's births.
-constant begging my husband to divorce me
-constant asking him to move in with her
-she compared herself to me regarding looks,weight,etc..(competed)
When he finally, 20 years later told her that his Wife will always be first and number one priority in his life and if she cant understand that she will have to leave,she went off on a rampage.
-false police reports
-mailed photos of our children to us with scribble all over them.
-abusive unsigned letters in mail
-cruel smear campaign
-told relatives that "she just prays I die" as she wept uncontrollably.
I hadn't had contact with her in years, my Husband stopped all contact with her a year ago, she stalks him/the family constantly.
It's now getting frighting.
I was the chosen child in my family. I'm 38 now and have never managed to have a decent adult relationship with a woman. My mother acts like she owns me and every time I tell them to back off I get accused of not loving them. Both myself and my brother (the left-out child) have struggled with depression throughout our lives and both have addictions, his are alcohol and cigarettes, mine is porn.
What finally started to alert me to the problem and finally started to turn my life around is when I did one simple mental exercise. I imagined what it would be like if I had just heard that my mother had died. I tried to really put myself in that moment and make it as real as possible to see how I would feel. The wave of relief that came over me was incredible. I felt free for the first time in my life, like I could be exactly who I wanted to be, I could relax and not have to worry about anything. It was a "oh, thank god she's gone" moment.
Now my relationship with my mother is deteriorating fast but I feel much better. I honestly don't think she can be reformed and she will be kept at arm's length from now on as I rebuild my life.
Seems to me that this blaming parents for every anxiety or insecurity is a ridiculous trend. Whilst extreme parental influenced can damage children, anybody who is a parent will also have their own personality and human frailties. Rather than accept their own human imperfections many people who claim emotional incest are coming from a platform of unrealistic expectations about what it is to be human. Rather than accept themselves they are denying normal feelings of anxiety and other emotions as being normal. Then instead of taking responsibility for the way they conduct themselves in thought and behaviour they blame their parents, causing great distress and pain as parents find themselves rejected for no greater sin than loving their child. Grow up people and stop blaming everyone else. It is ok to have emotions and insecurities and that is all part of being human.
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