Borderline Personality Disorder- News and Editorials

Are the Children of a BPD Parent Likely to Suffer Emotional Abuse?

2012-02-05T06:00:00.005-06:00

The short answer is "yes." Do you know a mother who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder - possibly your daughter in law - your wife - a friend? Did you know that even when the family appears to be doing well and the child appears to be overachieving, the children may be suffering psychological damage that will affect them far into adulthood.

Many BPD sufferers work very hard at being good parents. However, BPD thinking and behavior patterns can lead to problematic parenting in several ways. For instance, a BPD sufferer is prone to black and white thinking, which can lead a parent to "split" one child--or the same child at different times--as “all bad” and thus deserving of punishment and another as "all good." In "all bad" child suffers never learns human bonding. An "all good" child is not given a chance to develop a normal sense of independence and identity as the parent idealizes, rescues, or turns to the child for support.

High-Risk Parenting

Thus, a sufferer’s ways of coping can become a source of neglect such as when addictive behaviors distract the parent, leaving the child untended or abuse, with impulsive behaviors and rages resulting in emotional and physical scars or inconsistent parenting leaving the child feeling confused and unsafe. Experts consider parents with BPD to be "high risk":

Even the act of care giving itself may trigger painful memories from the mother’s history of trauma, making it very difficult for the mother with BPD to cope with the daily challenges of parenting (Main, 1995). These triggers often cause her to engage in maladaptive, “frightened/frightening” behaviors, whereby the she is both frightening to the child and frightened herself at the same time (Holmes, 2005; Hobson, et al, 2005). In this way, mothers with BPD are often classified as “high risk” parents (Newman & Stevenson, 2005), at risk of child abuse and/or drastically overprotective behaviors. (From How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children)

A child who is faced with a frightened parent will often, in a reversal of a healthy parent-child interaction, try to provide comfort or to solve the problem for the parent. The child is parentified, trying manage situations beyond his or her maturity. At the same time, the child's own fears are not soothed. The result can be a highly anxious child who tries to be "perfect" but ultimately turns to destructive coping strategies like eating disorders, drugs, and addictive relationships to deal with buried fear and self-esteem issues.

What Can a Concerned Adult Do?

Parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and other caring family members come to Coping with Parents, Relatives, and Inlaws with BPD concerned about the interactions such as these between the BPD sufferer in their life (perhaps the children's mother, father, stepfather, or stepmother) and the children. They may feel that something is wrong or they may know the actions are wrong, but they don't know how to intervene.

BPDFamily.com can provide education, support, and tools as to work toward improving the lives of the children with a parent with BPD. Members find shared ideas and resources on Parenting and Co-Parenting, along with numerous articles and workshops discussing ways of supporting kids with a BPD caregiver and effectively meeting their needs. The Parenting board is also a place to get much needed emotional support from others who really do understand the challenges of trying to offer kids the best environment possible. Depending on the relationship to the child and the severity of the problem, there is as lot a concerned adult can do, including:

Ensure the child’s physical needs are being met.
Take the child out regularly for some “down” time.
Reassure the child that the mistreatment is not his/her fault.
Teach the child healthy coping mechanisms, like thinking of a happy place or time when things are difficult or to focusing on breathing and counting to 10 when angry.
Provide counseling for the parent and the child.
Talk—and listen—to the child.
Validate the child’s feelings and sense of reality. If a BPD parent says the child is “not cold” when the child has said he is freezing, say, “I think he is feeling cold. I’ll get a sweater for him.”
Find ways to check regularly on the child’s well being.
Reduce the amount of time the child spends alone with the stressed parent. Offer alternatives, such as to babysit or pay for activities.
Create small rituals of security and happiness. Go to a park every Saturday. Take the child grocery shopping and let her choose one small treat.
Remove the child to safety.
Call a child abuse or domestic violence hotline or 911.
If you are not the child’s parent, consistent with your own safety and need for boundaries, stay in the child’s life to the greatest extent possible.
If you are the child’s parent and you feel that you must look at all options to protect your child, consult with an experienced family law attorney and a counselor to map out a plan.

Author: BlackandWhite

BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPFamily is a non-profit, co-op of over 60,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1998. We welcome you to join our free 24 hour on-line support community with its over 1 million postings and grow with us as we learn to live better lives in the shadow of this disorder. For more information or to register, please click here. www.bpdfamily.com

Is Your Marriage Breaking Down?

2012-01-03T06:29:00.000-06:00

BPDFamily.com encourages couples to spot the classic pattern of relationship breakdown and take action before it goes too far.

According to Mark Dombeck, Ph.D., Director of Mental Help Net and former Assistant Professor of Psychology at Idaho State University, there is no single reason why a relationship begins to break down. However, once a relationship does start to break down, there is a predictable sequence of events that tends to occur. Highly regarded psychologist and researcher John Gottman, Ph.D. suggests that there are four stages to this sequence which he has labeled, "The Four Horsemen Of the Apocalypse".

Stage One The first stage of the breakdown process involves intractable conflict and complaints. All couples have conflicts from time to time, but some couples are able to resolve those conflicts successfully or 'agree to disagree', while others find that they are not. As we observed earlier, it is not the number or intensity of arguments that is problematic but rather whether or not resolution of those arguments is likely or possible. Couples that get into trouble find themselves in conflicts that they cannot resolve or compromise upon to both party's satisfaction. Such disagreements can be caused by any number of reasons, but might involve a clash of spousal values on core topics such as whether to have children, or how to handle money.

Frequently, couples assume that misunderstandings are at the root of their conflicts. "If my spouse really understood why I act as I do, he or she would agree with me and go along with what I want", is a commonly overheard refrain. Acting on this belief, spouses often try to resolve their conflicts by repeatedly stating and restating their respective rationals during disagreements. This strategy of repetition usually doesn't work because most of the time couple conflicts are not based on misunderstandings, but rather on real differences in values. When this is the case, stating and restating one's position is based on a mistaken premise and can only cause further upset.

Stage Two In the second stage of the breakdown process, one or both spouses starts to feel contempt for the other, and each spouse's attitudes about their partner change for the worse. For example, initially each spouse may have mostly positive regard for their partner and be willing to write off any 'bad' or 'stupid' behavior their partner acts out as a transient, uncommon stress-related event. However, as 'bad' or 'stupid' behavior is observed again and again, spouses get frustrated, start to regard their partner as actually being a 'bad' or 'stupid' person, and begin to treat their partner accordingly. Importantly, the 'bad' behavior that the spouse demonstrates doesn't have to be something he or she actually does. Instead, it could be something that he or she doesn't do, that the spouse expects them to do (such as remembering to put the toilet seat down after use).

Conflict by itself doesn't predict marriage problems. Some couples fight a lot but somehow never manage to lose respect for each other. Once contempt sets in, however, the marriage is on shaky ground. Feelings of contempt for one's spouse are a powerful predictor of relationship breakdown, no matter how subtlety they are displayed. In a famous study, Gottman was able to predict with over 80% accuracy the future divorces of multiple couples he and his team observed based on subtle body language cues suggesting contemptuous feelings (such as dismissive eye-rolling). Contempt doesn't have to be expressed openly for it to be hard at work rotting the foundations of one's relationship.

Stage Three Most people find conflict and contempt to be stressful and react to such conditions by entering the third stage of breakdown, characterized by partner's increasingly defensive behavior. Men in particular (but women too) become hardened by the chronicity of the ongoing conflict, and may react even more acutely during moments when conflict is most heated by becoming overwhelmed and "flooded"; a condition which is psychologically and emotionally quite painful. Over time, partners learn to expect that they are 'gridlocked'; that they cannot resolve their differences, and that any attempts at resolution will result in further overwhelm, hurt or disappointment.

Stage Four Rather than face the pain and overwhelm they expect to experience, partners who have reached this third 'defensive' stage, may progress to the forth and final stage of breakdown, characterized by a breakdown of basic trust between the partners, and increasing disengagement in the name of self-protection. Like a steam-valve in a pressure cooker, the partners start avoiding one another so as to minimize their conflicts. Gottman calls this final stage, "Stonewalling", perhaps after the image of a partner hiding behind a stone wall designed to protect him or her from further assault. Unfortunately, there is no way to love your partner when you are hiding behind a wall to protect yourself from him or her.

The "four horsemen" breakdown sequence plays out amongst the backdrop of partner compatibility. Basically compatible partners may demonstrate a whole lot of conflict, but they don't often become contemptuous and angry with their partners, because there are by definition few things that they will disagree upon. In contrast, partners who start out with incompatible goals, values or dreams are far more likely to get into seemingly irresolvable conflicts. Also, once the process of contempt, defensiveness and avoidance begins, small incompatibilities can become magnified as spouses pursue other interests as an alternative to conflict.

Author: Skip

Does My Girlfriend/Boyfriend Have Borderline Personality Disorder?

2011-12-08T05:00:00.000-06:00

A person suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder is often not as they seem.

Are you trying to determine if someone in your life may suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder? You will soon find out that this is a complex question. There are no simple behavioral checklists; no definitive tests. Identifying Borderline Personality Disorder requires having a working knowledge of the disorder and some insight into the past life of the person in question.

Borderline Personality Disorder is a disorder of the emotions. Imagine a person who is extremely sensitive to rejection (fearful of even perceived or anticipated rejection) and has a limited ability to modulate their emotional impulses (love, fear, anger, grief, etc.). To protect themselves from their own feelings, they are prone to adopt a multitude of dysfunctional rationalizations and cover-ups.

For example, a person suffering from BPD may so fear rejection in a new relationship that they recreate themselves in the image of a person they believe would be lovable. When the negative emotions for making such a sacrifice surface - and not having the ability to modulate them, they lash out at the target of their affections for "making them do it" - rather than face their own feelings of inadequacy / fear of rejection, ultimately damaging the relationship they so fear losing, and reinforcing their feelings of inadequacy / fear of rejection.

What is going on in a Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer's mind and how they are acting can be two entirely different things.

To the sufferer, BPD is about deep feelings, feelings often too difficult to express, feelings that are something along the lines of this (2):

If others really get to know me, they will find me rejectable and will not be able to love me; and they will leave me;
I need to have complete control of my feelings otherwise things go completely wrong;
I have to adapt my needs to other people's wishes, otherwise they will leave me or attack me;
I am an evil person and I need to be punished for it;
Other people are evil and abuse you;
If someone fails to keep a promise, that person can no longer be trusted;
If I trust someone, I run a great risk of getting hurt or disappointed;
If you comply with someone's request, you run the risk of losing yourself;
If you refuse someone's request, you run the risk of losing that person;
I will always be alone;
I can't manage by myself, I need someone I can fall back on;
There is no one who really cares about me, who will be available to help me, and whom I can fall back on;
I don't really know what I want;
I will never get what I want;
I'm powerless and vulnerable and I can't protect myself;.
I have no control of myself;
I can't discipline myself;
My feelings and opinions are unfounded;
Other people are not willing or helpful.

To the family members, BPD behavior is often very frustrating can feel unfair and punitive - something like this (3):

You have been viewed as overly good and then overly bad;
You have been the focus of unprovoked anger or hurtful actions, alternating with periods when the family member acts perfectly normal and very loving;
Things that you have said or done have been twisted and used against you;
You are accused of things you never did or said?
You often find yourself defending and justifying your intentions;
You find yourself concealing what you think or feel because you are not heard;
You feel manipulated, controlled, and sometimes lied to.

As such, the most obvious "symptom" of Borderline Personality Disorder is a lifelong pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image and emotions.

Why is Borderline Personality Disorder Difficult to Diagnose

Borderline Personality Disorder is a relatively recent addition to the American Psychiatric Association Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) and the World Health Organization International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems (ICD). Accordingly, the majority of practicing mental health professionals graduating prior to 2000 have not been trained on the diagnosis and the treatment of this complex disorder as part of their professional curriculum.

Additionally, the clinical definition of Borderline Personality Disorder is very broad. It is defined in terms of nine criteria of which 5 or more are indicative of the disorder. This translates to 255 clusters of criteria, or constellations as they are known, any one of which is diagnostic for BPD. Within these constellations, there are high functioning borderlines that operate well in society and whose disorder is not very obvious to new acquaintances or the casual observer. Also within these constellations are the low functioning borderlines who are more apparent as they can't hold jobs, or they self-harm (cutting). Suicidal attempts/ideation and anorexia/bulimia are some of the most serious aspects of this disorder - yet, many with the disorder do not exhibit either.

Proper diagnosis and treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder is spotty at best with community healthcare providers, marriage counselors, and family therapists who are often hesitant to diagnose or treat the disorder. As a result, most borderlines are undiagnosed or in treatment for other maladies such as depression or PTSD. If you suspect Borderline Personality Disorder, it is best to use a specialist, preferably one associated with a University.

Diagnostic Tests - Diagnostic Interview for Borderline Patients (DIB-R)

The Diagnostic Interview for Borderline Patients (DIB-R) is the best-known "test" for diagnosing BPD. The DIB is a semi structured clinical interview that takes about 50-90 minutes to administer. The test, developed to be administered by skilled clinicians, consist of 132 questions and observation using 329 summary statements. The test looks at areas of functioning associated with borderline personality disorder. The four areas of functioning include Affect (chronic/major depression, helplessness, hopelessness, worthlessness, guilt, anger, anxiety, loneliness, boredom, emptiness), Cognition (odd thinking, unusual perceptions, nondelusional paranoia, quasipsychosis), Impulse action patterns (substance abuse/dependence, sexual deviance, manipulative suicide gestures, other impulsive behaviors), and Interpersonal relationships (intolerance of aloneness, abandonment, engulfment, annihilation fears, counterdependency, stormy relationships, manipulativeness, dependency, devaluation, masochism/sadism, demandingness, entitlement). The test is available at no charge by contacting John Gunderson M.D. McLean Hospital in Belmont Massachusetts (617-855-2293).

Diagnostic Tests - Structured Clinical Interview (SCID-II)

The Structured Clinical Interview (now SCID-II) was formulated in 1997 by First, Gibbon, Spitzer, Williams, and Benjamin. It closely follows the language of the DSM-IV Axis II Personality Disorders criteria. There are 12 groups of questions corresponding to the 12 personality disorders. The scoring is either the trait is absent, subthreshold, true, or there is "inadequate information to code". SCID-II can be self administered or administered by third parties (a spouse, an informant, a colleague) and yield decent indications of the disorder. The questionnaire is available from the American Psychiatric Publishing ($60.00).

Diagnostic Tests - Personality Disorder Beliefs Questionnaire (PDBQ).

The Personality Disorder Beliefs Questionnaire (PDBQ) is a brief self administered test for Personality Disorder tendencies. We have included a list of questions most often answered as "yes" by people with Borderline Personality Disorder .

Diagnostic Tests - Other

Other commonly used assessment tests are rating tests such as the Zanarini Rating Scale for Borderline Personality Disorder (ZAN-BPD), and the McLean Screening Instrument for Borderline Personality Disorder (MSI-BPD). In addition there are some free, informal tests available - some BPDFamily.com members have found that these tests are helpful.

Author: Skip

The most common mental health conditions.

2011-11-01T06:00:00.000-05:00

There are many different conditions that are recognized as mental illnesses. According to BPDFamily.com, the more common types include:

Anxiety disorders: People with anxiety disorders respond to certain objects or situations with fear and dread, as well as with physical signs of anxiety or nervousness, such as a rapid heartbeat and sweating. An anxiety disorder is diagnosed if the person's response is not appropriate for the situation, if the person cannot control the response, or if the anxiety interferes with normal functioning. Anxiety disorders include generalized anxiety disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), panic disorder, social anxiety disorder, and specific phobias.

Mood disorders: These disorders, also called affective disorders, involve persistent feelings of sadness or periods of feeling overly happy, or fluctuations from extreme happiness to extreme sadness. The most common mood disorders are depression, mania, and bipolar disorder.

Psychotic disorders: Psychotic disorders involve distorted awareness and thinking. Two of the most common symptoms of psychotic disorders are hallucinations -- the experience of images or sounds that are not real, such as hearing voices -- and delusions -- false beliefs that the ill person accepts as true, despite evidence to the contrary. Schizophrenia is an example of a psychotic disorder.

Eating disorders: Eating disorders involve extreme emotions, attitudes, and behaviors involving weight and food. Anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa and binge eating disorder are the most common eating disorders.

Impulse control and addiction disorders: People with impulse control disorders are unable to resist urges, or impulses, to perform acts that could be harmful to themselves or others. Pyromania (starting fires), kleptomania (stealing), and compulsive gambling are examples of impulse control disorders. Alcohol and drugs are common objects of addictions. Often, people with these disorders become so involved with the objects of their addiction that they begin to ignore responsibilities and relationships.

Personality disorders: People with personality disorders have extreme and inflexible personality traits that are distressing to the person and/or cause problems in work, school, or social relationships. In addition, the person's patterns of thinking and behavior significantly differ from the expectations of society and are so rigid that they interfere with the person's normal functioning. Examples include antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, and paranoid personality disorder.

Other, less common types of mental illnesses include:

Adjustment disorder: Adjustment disorder occurs when a person develops emotional or behavioral symptoms in response to a stressful event or situation. The stressors may include natural disasters, such as an earthquake or tornado; events or crises, such as a car accident or the diagnosis of a major illness; or interpersonal problems, such as a divorce, death of a loved one, loss of a job, or a problem with substance abuse. Adjustment disorder usually begins within three months of the event or situation and ends within six months after the stressor stops or is eliminated.

Dissociative disorders: People with these disorders suffer severe disturbances or changes in memory, consciousness, identity, and general awareness of themselves and their surroundings. These disorders usually are associated with overwhelming stress, which may be the result of traumatic events, accidents, or disasters that may be experienced or witnessed by the individual. Dissociative identity disorder, formerly called multiple personality disorder, or "split personality", and depersonalization disorder are examples of dissociative disorders.

Factitious disorders: Factitious disorders are conditions in which physical and/or emotional symptoms are created in order to place the individual in the role of a patient or a person in need of help.

Sexual and gender disorders: These include disorders that affect sexual desire, performance, and behavior. Sexual dysfunction, gender identity disorder, and the paraphilias are examples of sexual and gender disorders.

Somatoform disorders: A person with a somatoform disorder, formerly known as psychosomatic disorder, experiences physical symptoms of an illness even though a doctor can find no medical cause for the symptoms.

Tic disorders: People with tic disorders make sounds or display body movements that are repeated, quick, sudden, and/or uncontrollable. (Sounds that are made involuntarily are called vocal tics.) Tourette's syndrome is an example of a tic disorder.

Other diseases or conditions, including various sleep-related problems and many forms of dementia, including Alzheimer's disease, are sometimes classified as mental illnesses because they involve the brain.

Author: Skip

Video: What is Parental Alienation?

2011-10-03T07:51:00.006-05:00

After the divorce it is not uncommon for one or both parents to share their frustration about the other parent with the children or in front of the children. After fighting hard for custody, it's not easy to wake up the next day and be instantly healed from the wounds of battle - but this is what is what is best for the child. To share frustration about the other parent is inappropriate and unfair to the child as it places them in an adult situation and asks them to make adult assessments. If, as parents, we truly love our children, we will heed this warning, act like adults, and do what is necessary to spare our children. Fortunately, in most cases, parents eventually get the message when they see articles like this one. In most cases, the children are resilient and learn to adapt while the parents get their acts together.

It's easy to see when on our ex-spouse steps over the line - we are often slower to see it in ourselves. We sometimes feel justified because the other "ex" is doing it or because the ex is a jerk or because we feel we are helping the children grow up. It is important that we evaluate our own behavior and the all events that lead up to the conflict. Often, we need to reach out to heal the divide. There is as much art to this as science and timing is very important. Healing typically happens in steps and the other party my not join in on the onset.

At BPDFamily, we often recommend for parents to start out with a parallel parenting plan after the divorce with the intent of using the space that it creates for healing and gently probing, over time, the best ways to co-parent. A good parallel parenting plan often sets co-parenting as the ultimate objective.

Unfortunately, in a few cases the fight between the parents can become a post divorce obsession - sometimes evolving all the way to what is known as "Parental Alienation Syndrome" - a very difficult sitation.

In this video, Jane Major, PhD. will help you look at yourself, look and ex-spouse, and assess what is happening with your children; is is the garden-variety post divorce frustrations that often abate, or is is significant and requiring of cooperative action of the parents, or is a severe parental alienation brewing with the need for court intervention?

It is important to carefully and maturely assess the situation and select your course of action carefully. You don't want to be impatient, controlling, or take actions that will make matters worse. You also don't want to sit by and let matters deteriorate.

Below are some helpful summary points form the video:

What is "parental alienation"?

The behavior of a parent that engages a child in a discussion so that the child can either participate or hear them degrade the other parent. Some parents are so upset they will reveal too much information such as "court papers." Alienation happens when the parent does not recognize the bounds of what they can say or do.

Why do parents engage in parental alienation?

Parents that engage in parental alienation are acting out their own drama and upset about what's occurred. For most people, parental alienation is mild, and it's very common in divorces, where an unkind thing is said, a name called or something, where a parent doesn't have boundaries. Mild parent alienation is, "you tell me if you get scared at your daddy's and I'll come," so planting a seed that you're not safe with your daddy. Another form of parental alienation is saying, "is anybody over at your mother's spending the night?" Parental alienation is being inappropriate with those kinds of questions and fishing to find information from the child that the child shouldn't be involved in. So mild parent alienation often occurs and most people get a grip. Most people understand it's not appropriate to engage in parental alienation. Eventually somebody will tell them parental alienation is inappropriate, or the child can adapt. They say, "aw, there goes mom again." " Aw, there goes dad again." They can cope with parental alienation. Not adapt, but cope. In moderate parent alienation, the parent goes ballistic and calls names upon seeing the person, or speaking on the phone, and is just in a rage and a tirade about the other parent and is terribly inappropriate. And if the child sees this parental alienation often, they may be involved in aligning against the other parent. So this form of parental alienation is very serious, but those parents can be helped with parenting classes, with mentoring, with therapy, with anger management, with other things to enable them to finally calm down.

What type of parent is likely to engage in parental alienation?

We do know that even within a marriage parents maybe doing parent alienation. This is anytime a parent speaks negatively about another parent so that a child could here it. Children can cope with that usually and adjust. When parent's get a divorce its more frequent that that is likely to occur. Unless the parents are really sophisticated parents and understand it and have thought this through and don't do that and we do have those people god bless them. Some parents become so irate at the other parent that they just lose all control and they go into a rage and the child witnesses this and the parent in the moderate is likely to be programming the child to also hate the other parent or never ever say to that parent that they enjoyed any kind of time with that other parent or they had fun with that parent at all. They would never tell this parent that is so difficult anything about the other.

How do I know if my spouse is actually committing parental alienation?

If a parent is engaged in parental alienation, it is more than we are getting a divorce and we have got to figure out a parent plan. A parent engaged in parental alienation is a person who is obsessed, is very ugly, and nasty and will stop at nothing to get their way. Now you really need to figure out if you have an enemy engaged in parental alienation, what it is that makes this person your enemy, and how can you best protect your children. And at that point this is more than ordinary stuff, this is the small percentage of very sick people. Now you need to educate yourself because you are in a different kind of a war when one party is engaged in parental alienation. It's a lot at stake.

What is "severe parental alienation"?

In the most obsessed and severe kind, severe parental alienation is where parents become ugly or nasty. You can't work with them or solve problems with them by reasoning. Severe parental alienation are cases where you have to go to court to get any kind of resolution and these parents so nasty they will allege all kinds of lies to get their way. This is when what prevails in truth is often not the truth but what appears to be truth. The parents will allege all manner of horrible things, and they will take the least little negative issue and turn it into a huge issue. They will create their own reality and then they will end up believing their own fabrications with all their heart and soul, and are very convincing. Evidence, truth and facts are not part of severe parental alienation because they've made up their own facts. The fact that they are so believable is why judges have to rely on evaluators to sort through all of that and come up with recommendations.

How will parental alienation affect the targeted parent?

The person who's the targeted parent, wonders what the hell happened here. Because that was never their intention, they didn't marry this person or have a child with them with the idea that the person could become so unglued and become so ugly and nasty. It takes a horrible toll on the targeted parent. Psychologically they have to cope with being accused of all kinds of things that they did not do. They are always on the defensive, they are always back peddling, trying to figure out "what am I going to do about it?" Even in the relationship, when they were in a together relationship, there are some people that are so disturbed that when the targeted parent tries to solve problems with them they get a two-by-four between the eyes, and they back off and they say "that hurt!" Then they go back and they regroup and they try to solve problems with this person again, the nasty one. By the way, it's men or women. It is not more women do this than men do which is a common concept. Now that there is so much shared custody, very disturbed men can do this as much as women. So at any rate, whoever it is it's a very disturbed person because healthy people don't act like that.

How will parental alienation affect my child?

When you have a parent who's in the moderate or obsessed category one of the things that they cannot allow is for the child to love and have a positive relationship with the other parent. Now, guess who is the healthier parent? This is the target parent almost always. The obsessed person is not a healthy parent. They're very nasty and ugly, and they don't play fair at all. They will stop at any lengths to win and what they're winning is the mind of a child. They will brainwash a child (another word for it is to program a child) to hate their targeted parent; the healthier parent, the other half of their heritage, the other half of their whole family construct. Half of that child's family, if this obsessed parent is successful, is now ‘x'ed out of the child's life. We call that a “parentectomy” where the parent has been cut out of the child's life; a “parentectomy.” The child then loses all contact with the individuals that would be most likely to love that child, nurture that child, and care for that child, and provide. They lose out on all of that and if the really disturbed parent prevails, and they often do, this child grows up with a very serious situation where one parent is psychologically disturbed. The characteristic is always that the disturbed person is expecting the child to take care of them. This is called parent role reversal, where the child is always in the position to take care of the most disturbed parent. So how does that help children? It doesn't.

How will parental alienation affect my child when he grows up?

If the alienating and obsessed parent is successful in their agenda then the child will no longer have any access or influence from the other parent, they will lose that side of their family, that side of their whole heritage, and they will grow up with a person who's a very damaged individual. So they will not be adequately parented. We do know that the picture is not a pretty picture for them in their lives, that they will have many psychological issues, relationship issues, they're going to have a very hard time in their life. Just recently, Amy J.L Baker, a researcher in child development that teaches college at Columbia University, has published a book called 'Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome: Breaking the Ties That Bind'. This is an enormously valuable book for anybody that doesn't understand parental alienation and what the consequences are. She researched 4, adult children where passes had occurred in their childhood and the outcome was really extraordinary, to point out what, we need to do everything we can to get a handle on what this problem is and how to do something about it.

How do I prevent parental alienation?

Prevention is the key that, but in some people they're already psychiatrically disturbed people. And usually people don't know that when they start having babies with them or go into business with them or any kind of other relationship until something happens that the person really becomes crazy - undone. So I don't know that you can stop. I think you could do an awful lot more of preventing yourself from leaping into situations where you don't know who this person really is. Having children with somebody who is already difficult is likely to turn more difficult. So it behooves people to be very careful in their relationships with people. So it starts right there. Know who you're involved with. Take the time to get to know this person.

How do I cope with parental alienation?

One of the ways not to cope with parental alienation is to be passive, because that's the trait of most people that get involved with obsessed parental alienators. They just don't know what to do. So go and find somebody that does know what to do about parental alienation. You're not the first person that's had the problem of parental alienation. Believe me. There's a lot of literature available for people with parental alienation problems. There's a lot of experts that specialize in parental alienation. I say the best thing you can do is educate yourself about parental alienation. Go online. There's a lot of resources about parental alienation online. There are also many excellent books about parental alienation. "Stop Walking on Eggshells" is one of them. There are a lot of helpers, a lot of mentors out there who can show people the way to deal with parental alienation. Join up. Don't stay in isolation with parental alienation. Educate yourself as to what parental alienation is and what other people have done. I have an article on our website called "Parents Who Have Successfully Fought Parental Alienation Syndrome." That's been on the website for years and years, and it's gone all over the world. I've heard from people that said you've exactly described my family. I have another article that will be on our website called "The Cost, Causes, and Controversies of Parent Alienation and Parent Alienation Syndrome." Educate yourself. There's a whole education possible.

What is "parental alienation syndrome"?

Parent alienation describes what the parent is doing. Parent alienation syndrome describes what the child is doing. It is a very important distinction to make. They are not one and the same. Parent alienation syndrome was originally identified in 1985 by a psychiatrist, Dr. Richard Gardner. He was the pioneer in parent education syndrome, when there was a burgeoning of divorces in the early 80s, when joint custody first became a reality, starting in California. James Cook lobbied the California legislature for joint custody laws, and they were passed in 1980, and then swept the country as the concept that the best parent is both parents and you have to figure out how to share these children. Not one parent takes all the custody and the other one becomes a visitor, not in the child's life at all. So many fathers started clamoring to go to court to get access to their children, and this created a tremendous burden on the courts which has not been alleviated to this day.

How does parental alienation syndrome affect my child?

Another curious thing about children who are involved in parent alienation syndrome. That means they're no longer adapting and coping, that they've gone over and aligned with the most disturbed parent. In some cases, it's a shared psychosis that the child shares with the disturbed parent, the mother or the father. And they become one unit. The child then will make up scenarios of their own about how horrible the targeted parent is. They have no basis in fact whatsoever, it's nothing they ever experienced, but just as kids can create wonderful stories and fairy tales, and all of that, they use that technique to describe horrible things that the parent has done, which in truth they haven't done. And they can be very convincing, because they are passionate, and they're angry. Their brains have been seriously altered into such a state of confusion that they don't know the truth.

How do I cope with a child experiencing parental alienation syndrome?

If your child is already in the syndrome and the syndrome is where they are brainwashed, you want to stand up for yourself and say, "That didn't happen." "You didn't experience that." "I never did that to you." "You are loved by both of your parents and I love you and I will always be here for you." You know, there just isn't any kind of panacea for these. If people really have the worst case scenario, the only thing that's going to turn it around is getting a judicial order for the other parent to be contained; for the disturbed parent to be contained. This is why there is such heavy litigation in these kinds of families. If they can't litigate, if they can't get a judicial order containing the disturbed parent, then they may just lose those children.

How do I stop parental alienation if it is occurring?

The only way is to get a court order that would contain the disturbed parent, and to get legal custody to the healthier parent and to work with the family. There are actually protocols that are being developed now because prior to this there hasn't been anything that we know to do with the obsessed parent, there's just, there's no protocol whatsoever, in fact there still isn't. But there are being developed ways to detox or unbrainwash or unprogram a child if they can get it soon enough, but there gets to be a tipping point or turning place where you're not going to really reach that child. In Doctor Baker's research, she found children that finally understood that they were brainwashed, and so therapy, you know, a lot of times people's hands are just tied. It has to be a court order, the judge has to really get it, who the good guy is and who the bad guy is.

Please join us as we work together to find more rewarding and healthy lives with our BPD loved ones, or as we recover from a failed BPD relationship. For more information and to register, click here.

Author: Skip

A Person with Borderline Personality Disorder Doesn't have the Emotional Language to Express Themselves

2011-09-05T06:00:00.006-05:00

Did you ever ask someone to scratch your back and they keep missing the itchy spot?

How irritating that is even though you ask them "to go up, now to the left, harder, up and down" and sometimes even shift around hoping they will get it when they are not. It can be very frustrating if the other person completely misses the spot. After awhile you just give up - - your communication isn't working.

This is not unlike communications with our partners with Borderline Personality Disorder (pwBPD).

A pwBPD doesn't have the emotional language to ask for what they need. They often communicate "up, now to the left, harder" when they really mean "down, to the right, side to side"

The "itch" is the hurt our very sensitive pwBPD feels inside. Often our partners don't even know how to process what they are feeling or put it into words. As a result, some become demanding and controlling, some become mean and nasty, some give up and move on to someone else, and some just stop asking all together.

Can you imagine a lifetime of this?

As they have grown up, a pwBPD finds way to adapt - alternate ways to get their needs met - projection, mirroring, manipulating, sex, alcohol, drugs - pulling others into a relationship enmeshment.

As responsible partners, we want to respond appropriately. We listen to the words and the directions - we "scratch harder, softer, slower, faster, bigger circles, and up and down" in an effort to appease our partner. We think we are good listeners. We struggle when we fall short. We change and change and change. We lament over our failure to make things better.

What are we doing wrong?

Part of the problem is Borderline Personality Disorder. Part of the problem is us. Trying to follow or pwBPD partner's words rather than learning to read their emotions and their actions.

pwBPD are mentally ill. They are highly emotional beings, very sensitive, and misleading communicators. When we stop responding to their alternate ways to get their needs met - projection, mirroring, manipulating, sex, alcohol, drugs - - and instead learn to read the unexpressed needs - - only then will we understand them and be able to help them.

Authors: United for Now, Skip

Does the expression "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" remind you of your spouse or partner?

2011-08-08T06:10:00.000-05:00

A member at BPDfamily.com , writes: "I thought I was with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde." In the 1931 film adaptation, of Robert Louis Stevenson's novel, Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, Dr. Jekyll believes good and evil exist in everyone. Experiments reveal his evil side, named Hyde. Experience teaches him how to hide how evil "Hyde" can be.

Does the expression "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" remind you of your spouse or partner, too? Have you ever thought that they were two different people - one minute they are the greatest, most kind and affectionate partner, and then suddenly an awful, mean, frightening person?

How could someone so good, turn around and become so bad, then flip back to again? You may be dealing with someone with a personality disorder or a mood disorder like Borderline personality disorder (BPD).

Borderline personality disorder is also known as Emotional Dysregulation Disorder, and is often misdiagnosed as Bipolar disorder, depression, or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. For example a study by researchers at the University of North Texas and Brown University found that nearly 40% of people with BPD in the study sample had previously received a misdiagnosis of bipolar disorder.

I Hate You, Don't Leave Me

"I hate you, don't leave me", the title of Jerold Kreisman's (MD) 1991 book describing Borderline personality disorder has become a a widely accepted short description of the disorder. What to know more? Take a look at this video on the symptoms of the symptoms of Borderline personality disorder.

The BPDfamily.com site contain many articles and information about both Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder and has members available 24 a day to answer your questions. If you are struggling with a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde relationship, BPDfamily may be a good resource for you.

BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPFamily is a non-profit, co-op of over 50,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1998. We welcome you to join our free 24 hour on-line support community and grow with us as we learn to live better lives in the shadow of this disorder. For more information or to register, please click here. www.bpdfamily.com

Marsha Linehan Reveals Her Own Fight with Borderline Personality Disorder

2011-06-23T11:16:00.004-05:00

Dr. Linehan had a ready answer. It was the one she always used to cut the question short, whether a patient asked it hopefully, accusingly or knowingly, having glimpsed the macramé of faded burns, cuts and welts on Dr. Linehan’s arms: “You mean, have I suffered?”

“No, Marsha,” the patient replied, in an encounter last spring. “I mean one of us. Like us. Because if you were, it would give all of us so much hope.”

Dr. Linehan, 68, told her story in public for the first time last week before an audience of friends, family and doctors at the Institute of Living, the Hartford clinic where she was first treated for extreme social withdrawal at age 17. A discharge summary, dated May 31, 1963, noted that “during 26 months of hospitalization, Miss Linehan was, for a considerable part of this time, one of the most disturbed patients in the hospital.” “So many people have begged me to come forward, and I just thought — well, I have to do this. I owe it to them. I cannot die a coward.”

An article appearing in the New York Times on a June 23, 2011, Marsha M. Linehan shares her struggles Borderline Personality Disorder and features a very inspirational video short (clink on photo above).

The article provides interesting insight into both the motivations and the spiritual and scientific influences that lead to Dr. Linehan to develop Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. The discussion of Radical Acceptance distills this concept down to its very essence.

Bpdfamily.com salutes Dr. Linehan for taking this brave step to fight the stigma of one of the most difficult and perplexing condition tearing up lives and families. Every day hundreds of our members struggle helping a loved one and report again and again how isolating this illness is not only for the person suffering from BPD but also for the family members. Marsha Linehan and the cadre of gifted people that inspired by her have given everyone a much better chance to overcome the dysfunction in our relationships.

Authors: An0ught, BlackAndWhite, Patty, Skip, United for Now

Source: New York Times

"Are you one of us?" the patient wanted to know of her therapist, Marsha M. Linehan of the University of Washington, creator of a treatment used worldwide for the treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder.

Audio: Untangling the Internal Struggles of Borderline Personality Disorder

2011-04-19T06:00:00.001-05:00

In this 12 minute audio Amy Tibbitts, LSCSW discusses the day to day struggles of a person with Borderline Personality Disorder (pwBPD) and the basic principles behind Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. This is a very helpful presentation for anyone trying to understand the mindset and behavior of someone suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder. It also helps with the understanding of how we, as family members, affect pwBPD.

Tibbitts explains that family members without mood disorders themselves know that emotions are simply emotions and that they do not need to responded to them. This is not so clear to a person with a mood disorder.

The speaker goes on to explain that family members also know that when they want to fulfill a goal, emotional responses need to be "put on the shelf" so they can continue with the task at hand. For someone with Borderline Personality Disorder this can be extremely challenging.

Listen to the audio program

The Dialectal Dilemma - logic in the face of emotion is not helpful

Tibbitts describes what she calls the "dialectal dilemma". The dialectal dilemma is the invading feeling that results when applying logical thought to emotional responses at the time of the response. When this is done by the person having the response or by others it results in a very invalidating and very upsetting experience.

An alternative and the principle behind dialectical behavioral therapy is for the pwBPD to have cognition (recognition when an emotional reaction is in the extreme) and then substitute an alternate behavior - doing something different and more constructive with the emotional reaction. The emotion is not denied. The reaction to others is altered.

Three Characteristics Common with Borderline Personality Disorder

Three characteristics are common in people suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder are heightened sensitivity, extreme reaction/arousal, and slow return to baseline.

Heightened sensitivity - A person with Borderline Personality Disorder has a high sensitivity to emotions and feelings - both their own and of others.

Extreme reaction and high arousal - Extreme reactions and high arousal often makes it difficult to think through issues and act in an appropriate way.

Slow return to baseline - These reactions last longer and this in turn can the heighten the reaction to subsequent events and stimuli.

Biosocial Theory

The struggles with Borderline Personality Disorder are impacted by both biology and by the social environment.

Biological factors - Being tired, hungry, stressed, or under the influence are all conditions that exacerbate the struggles of Borderline Personality Disorder. This is why people with the disorder do not do well in crisis situations.

Social factors - Being in an environment that denies or minimizes emotional experiences (independent of whether they are valid or not) adds to the difficulties. Specific examples include indiscriminately rejecting the validity of feelings, punishing the pwBPD for their emotions, escalation of emotional situations, or oversimplification of the task of solving problems at hand.

When these factors become extreme it often leads to suicidal ideation, or parasuicidal ventures, or even suicide.

BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPFamily is a non-profit, co-op of over 50,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1994. We invite you to join with us to explore these and other aspects of having a person with Borderline Personality Disorder in your life.

Amy Tibbitts, LSCSW, is the founder and director of the Lilac Center in Kansas City, MO. She has been providing Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) in a private practice setting since October of 2000. Ms. Tibbitts is a 1997 graduate of the University of Kansas and holds a master’s degree in social welfare. She underwent clinical training at Wyandot Mental Health Center. Prior to opening her private practice, Amy provided clinical services at Johnson County Mental Health Center. She is currently authoring a book on Dialectical Behavioral Therapy.

Author: Skip

Is the APA labeling the “problems of daily living” as disease?

2011-03-22T05:08:00.006-05:00

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) is published by the American Psychiatric Association and provides a common language and standard criteria for the classification of mental disorders. The DSM is sometimes referred as “the therapist’s Bible.” The DSM has enormous on who will and will not be called mentally ill and what the varieties of mental illness will be.

The leading therapists often disagree about which label to assign to a given patient, and there is less definitive research than one might expect to prove that “A person with diagnosis X will benefit from and not be harmed by treatment Y.” As such, each generation of DSM emerges with some controversy. This was true for the DSM (in 1952), then DSM-II (1968), DSM-III (1980), DSM-III-R (Third Edition Revised) (1987), DSM-IV (1994), and DSM-IV-TR (2000).

As the DSM-5 is being drafted on the heels of the promise of a “paradigm shift,” a debate has been ignited, fueled by the likes of old-guard DSM architects Drs. Robert Spitzer, MD, and Allen Frances MD, on the one hand, and current DSM-5 framers lead by David J. Kupfer, M.D., who are forging relentlessly onward toward a 2013 deadline on the other. The debate has many facets involving both content and process, but at the center is "what constitutes a mental illness and what are the appropriate targets of psychiatric intervention".

"Contrary to popular belief, the enterprise of psychiatric diagnosis is largely unscientific and highly subjective" according to Harvard psychologist Paula Kaplan, PhD. "I served as an advisor to two of the DSM-IV committees before resigning due to serious concerns after witnessing how fast and loose they play with the scientific research related to diagnosis. There is a lot of pain and suffering in the world, and it is tempting to believe that the mental health community knows how to help. It is widely believed, both by mental health professionals and the general population, that if only a person gets the right psychiatric diagnosis, the therapist will know what kind of measures will be the most helpful. "

Do 44 million people in the USA have a mental disorder?

Or does the DSM encourage an overstatement of mental illnesses? BPDFamily.com reported in November 2010 that the US Surgeon General estimates that 28% of the US population suffer from either a mental or addictive disorder in a given year. This is based on the DSM-IV. The current prevalence estimate is that about 20 percent of the U.S. population are affected by mental disorders during a given year. This estimate comes from two epidemiologic surveys: the Epidemiologic Catchment Area (ECA) study of the early 1980s and the National Comorbidity Survey (NCS) of the early 1990s. Those surveys defined mental illness according to the prevailing editions of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. The surveys estimate that during a 1-year period, 22 to 23 percent of the U.S. adult population.

DSM IV increased the number of mental illness categories by 25%

DSM-III-R contained 297 categories and DSM-IV contained 374. Each time a new edition appears, the media ask whichever psychiatrist is the lead editor why a new edition was necessary, each editor replies that it was because the previous edition really wasn’t scientific (Caplan, 1995). And each time a new edition appears, it contains many more categories than does the previous one.

Are the findings of the DSM 5 premature?

Dr. Frances cautions how the inclusion of spectral views of mental disorder in DSM-5 could contribute to inappropriate medicalization of “problems of daily living” and the sanctioning of pharmacologic interventions for conditions where evidence-based practice does not yet exist (e.g. indiscriminate use of antipsychotics for the “psychosis risk syndrome”).

At the same time, Frances states "for many domains of psychopathology, a spectral view does reflect biological reality and that etiologic discoveries do require a shift to dimensional models of mental illness. However, DSM-V doesn’t need to exist for a dimensional approach to research to take place—such inquiry has already been ongoing for years. In fact, I would argue that DSM revisions should follow this kind of research rather than the other way around. Yet it seems that the move towards dimensionalization in DSM-V has already begun and that an immediate impact on clinical practice is inevitable.

It is within arenas in which categorical judgments about mental pathology are both essential and have significant and potentially harmful consequences—the aspects of clinical intervention described above as well as with the various “third parties” that use DSM (e.g. governments deciding resource allocation, insurance companies reimbursing for care, the legal system making decisions about moral responsibility)—that thoughtful decisions must be made about how best to adapt to a spectral view of mental illness. It is therefore our collective destiny that ethical discussions about what could occur will soon become practical discussions about what does occur."

Defining mental illness is complicated - where do you draw the line?

One prominent DSM-IV author has proposed that “relational disorder” be added to the manual. “Relational disorder” would be applied to a couple, neither of whom individually might be considered mentally ill but whose relationship would be considered sick. It is revealing to picture this scene: Two people sit in a psychiatrist’s office; neither of them is considered mentally ill, though their relationship is; the psychiatrist removes a pill from its bottle…where does the psychiatrist put the pill?

Author: Skip

How to support someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

2011-03-07T06:06:00.002-06:00

For any family members or relationship partners of a person suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, bpdfamily.com may be a helpful resource. We teach our members healthy ways to support and cope with a loved one suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder.

"There are so many misconceptions about this disorder today" according to Valarie Porr, MA. Valerie Porr, is a mental health educator and advocate trained in Dialectical Behavior Therapy, and is the founder and president of the Treatment and Research Advancements National Association for Personality Disorder (TARA NAPD). She conducts psycho-educational training seminars for family members of those with BPD in New York. TARA NAPD is a not-for-profit organization whose mission is to foster education and research in the field of personality disorder. Ms. Porr is also the author of the Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change from Oxford University Press.

In her new book (August 2010) Ms. Porr outlines what she feels families need from clinicians based on her experience running the of TARA helpline.

Accurate information. Knowledge of the biological basis of BPD can help families reframe the behavior of their loved one in the light of current science and accept that evidence-based treatment works. Accurate information can dispel the stigma that colors attitudes toward people with BPD.

Understanding that the person with BPD is doing the best he can and does not intend to harm others or himself. Discourage viewing the person with BPD as "manipulative," as the enemy, or as hopeless. Understanding can melt anger and cultivate compassion.

Acceptance that the person with BPD has a disability and has special needs. Help the family accept their loved one as someone with a chronic illness. They may continue to be financially and emotion- ally dependent on the family and be vocationally impaired. BPD is a deficit or handicap that can be overcome. Help families to reconcile to the long-term course of BPD and accept that progress will be slow. There are no short-term solutions.

Compassion. Do not assume that every family is a "dysfunctional family." Emotions are contagious. Living with someone with BPD can make any family dysfunctional. Family members have been recipients of rages as well as abusive and irrational behaviors. They live in perpetual fear and feel manipulated. They often react by either protecting and rescuing or rejecting and avoiding. Reframe their points of view with compassion. Families are doing the best they can. They need support and acceptance. "Bad parents" are usually uninformed, not malevolent. They did the wrong things for the right reasons (the "allergic to milk syndrome"). Anyone can have a disturbed child. Keep reminding the family of the neurobiological dysregulations of BPD, and of the pain their loved one is coping with each day.

Collaboration for change. Accept that families can help, can learn effective skills and become therapeutic partners. They can reinforce treatment. The IQ of a family member is not reduced if a loved one has BPD. Do not patronize or fragelize family members. Family members are generally well-educated, intelligent people who are highly motivated to help. Respect their commitment. When you provide them with effective skills to help their loved one, they can become therapeutic parent or partners. You can help them.

Stay in the present. Do not focus on past painful experiences when the person with BPD cannot cope with aversive feelings and has no distress tolerance skills. Avoid shame-inducing memories. If you induce arousal and the patient cannot cope with the arousal, therapy becomes unacceptable, giving her additional pressure and stress and undermining cognitive control. This is a sure-fire way to get her to drop out of therapy.

Be nonjudgmental. Respect that families are doing the best they can, in the moment, without any understanding of the underlying disorders or the ability to translate their loved one's behaviors. Although they may have done the wrong thing in the past, it was probably for the right reasons. Their intention was not to hurt their loved one.

Teach awareness of nonverbal communication. Teach them limbic language so they can learn to speak to the amygdala, to communicate emotionally through validation. Teach families to be aware of body language, voice tones, gestures, and facial expressions. Especially avoid neutral faces. Teach effective coping skills based on cognitive behavior therapy, DBT, and mentalization.

Corroborate allegations. Try not to assume the worst, and corroborate allegations. Remember that your perception of an event or experience may be different from what actually happened.

Remember, families have rights. When families are paying for therapy, they have rights, beyond confidentiality regulations such as the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA). This reality must be acknowledged. Excluding parents completely jeopardizes the feasibility of continuation of therapy. They need to help decide if investment in therapy is worthwhile and have a right to know about attendance, motivation, and benefits from therapy. What is confidential in therapy is what is talked about. Let them know about the therapy, prognosis, and course of the illness.

Avoid ultimatums, limits, contracts, and tough love. These methods are not effective with people with BPD. Be sure that families understand that boundaries are generally viewed as punishment by the person with BPD. Be sure they understand how to change behavior by explaining reinforcement, punishment, shaping, and extinction so that they do not reinforce maladaptive behaviors.

Discourage "we." Encourage family members to nurture individual relationships with the person with BPD, not the united front of "we" against "you". Although both parents can have the same goals for their loved one, they must express these goals in their own style, in one-on-one relationships. Focus on developing individual relationships and trust, not solving individual problems. This will discourage "splitting."

Encourage family involvement. When a person with BPD resists family involvement, this should not be automatically accepted. Resistance is symptomatic of the person with BPD devaluing his loved ones. If you participate in devaluing the family, difficulties are intensified when treatment comes to an end, especially when the person is financially dependent on his family. Remember that the family loves this person and will be there for him when you are no longer involved.

Porr suggests that rather than view people with BPD as manipulative opponents in a bitter struggle, or pitying them as emotional invalids, that BPD is a true neurobiological disorder and not, as many come to believe, a character flaw or the result of bad parenting.

"Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder by Valerie Porr is like water for a parched land. Few psychiatric disorders are as misunderstood as borderline personality disorder, a condition that can be profoundly disabling to patients and devastating to families. Opinions about what families should do are plentiful, but evidence-based guidance, derived from solid research, is rare. This is what this book delivers. It is an invaluable roadmap for families of patients with BPD." ~ John Oldham, Chief of Staff, The Menninger Clinic

Author: Skip

A better book than Stop Walking on Eggshells

2011-01-10T07:06:00.009-06:00

Your therapist probably recommended Stop Walking on Eggshells - many do - this 1996 self-help guide for the family members of a person with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is well known among therapists.

A lot has been transpired since the book was published. A ten year longitudinal studies has demonstrated the effectiveness of Dialectical Behavior Therapy, the American Psychiatric Association has begun the process of better defining / characterizing the disorder, several books have been written on how to constructively communicate with and understand a person with this disorder.

Randi Kreger captures many of these findings in her 2008 publication, The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder. Many therapists are not aware of Ms. Kreger's newer book. BPDFamily recommends the 2008 publication - it is a significant advancement over her first work.

The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells

Like the first book, this one is also written for family members. In section two, Ms Kreger focuses on five tools to make life more manageable for family members and more constructive for the person affected with BPD.

Take Good Care of Yourself (Tool 1) In Chapter 7, Kreger discusses important concepts such as “don't take things personally”, “get in touch with your true feelings”, “accept what is, not what you hope to be”, and“attend to your own wellbeing and otherwise take your self". She wisely points out that before attempting anything with another person, we need to look at ourselves.

Uncover What Keeps You Feeling Stuck (Tool 2) In Chapter 8, Kreger discusses things about us that make it difficult for us to navigate these relationships and how to deal with them - things such as fear, obligation, guilt, shame, unhealthy bonding (low self-esteem, depression, codependency, etc.). She explains, in short, though we often get caught up in these relationships and are part of the dysfunction.

Communicate to Be Heard (Tool 3) In Chapter 9, Kreger explores the very important aspects of how to effectively communicate to very sensitive person. People with Borderline Personality Disorder often interpret common communications and actions as slights and defamation. Kreger uotlines communication tools that would benefit any relationship - but are absolutely essential in a relationship with a person with borderline personality disorder.

Set Limits with Love (Tool 4) In Chapter 10, Kreger explores the very important aspects of how to effectively set "limits" in a relationship with to very person.that has bad boundaries People with Borderline Personality Disorder are well known for having unhealthy boundaries and expectations of others. In this chapter Kreger outlines tools that would benefit any relationship - but are absolutely essential in a BPD relationship.

Reinforce the Right Behavior (Tool 5) In Chapter 11, Kreger Explains is reinforcing the right behavior, and equally important, not rewarding bad behavior (which we often do). She also explains “extinction burst”s are and how to respond to them.

This book also answers common questions that family members often have in clear simple language such as the symptoms and treatment of BPD, why BPD is so often misdiagnosed; how symptoms can differ by age and gender; and how addiction and other disorders complicate BPD.

Critical Review

The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder does a good job of explaining the basics of how to deal with a BPD loved one. This book is an excellent first read for someone who is just learning about the disorder. The reader is cautioned, however, that the many of the psychology concepts are far from simple. The book attempts to translate these into plan language -but at times falls short

Kristalyn Salters-Pedneault, PhD in her review of this book noted a few drawbacks. First, the structure of some of the chapters was a bit confusing; Ms. Kreger often interjects with side notes, and this can detract from the flow of the chapter. Salters-Pedneault also found that Ms. Kreger occasionally uses language that she felt to be a bit too conclusive given the state of the research literature; there is still much we need to learn about BPD, and it would be helpful if the language she used better reflected the relative infancy of our understanding.

Background Randi Kreger is a professional writer and blogger. She coauthored Stop Walking on Eggshells, on of the first self-help books in this field in 1998 with Paul T. Mason - a program manager of Child/Adolescent Services and a psychotherapist with Psychiatric Services for St. Luke's Hospital in Racine, Wisconsin.

To write The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells, Ms. Kreger read broadly on the subject, interviewed many of the preeminent experts in the field (including Drs. Robert Friedel, Blaise Aguirre, Jim Breiling, Perry Hoffman and John Gunderson), and drew from her own experiences as moderator of the Welcome to Oz forum, an online community of BPD family members. She has done a remarkable job of integrating a very broad and diverse set of information into one complete work.

The task of writing this book was particularly difficult given that BPD, itself, has been studied extensively, but very little research has been done on the impact of BPD on the family (although recently, more researchers have begun to focus on this issue). Unfortunately, this means that Ms. Kreger was not able to draw from an extensive peer-reviewed scientific literature. Hopefully, though, her work will provide the impetus for more systematic study of the issues she addresses.

We welcome you comments below on either book!

Author: Skip

Leaving a Person With Borderline Personality Disorder

2010-12-28T05:04:00.008-06:00

The beginnings of a relationship with a person with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can be intoxicating when your partner is brimming with jubilation because you are in their life. Then inexplicable dark moments of resentment begin breaking through the infatuation and your partner acts in cold and even cruel ways. These extreme highs and lows are commonplace in “Borderline” relationships. .

In the most troubled relationships, it is not uncommon for a BPD partner to unexpectedly abandon the relationship or do something so hurtful that one cannot continue. Your partner may emotionally discard you or become abusive - leaving you to feel oppressed and broken. Or you have invested yourself in the relationship and all the latest communication and relationship tools, but the relationship has eroded and you have no more to give.

So they leave you - or you break up with them - or one of you finally decides not to reconcile, yet again. If any of this is you, read on.

Disengaging can be difficult. Rationally, you understand that leaving is the healthiest thing you can do now, yet your emotional attachment is undeniable. This conflict confuses and intensifies your struggle as you feel hopelessly trapped by your desires to rekindle a relationship that you know it isn't healthy - and may, in fact, not even be available to you.

Often we obsess and ruminate over what our BPD partner might be doing or feeling, or who they might be seeing. We wonder if they ever really loved us and how we could be so easily discarded. Our emotions range between hurt, disbelief, and anger.

This guide explores the struggles of breaking away from a partner with borderline personality disorder and offers suggestions on how you can make it easier on yourself and your partner.

Breaking Up Was Never this Hard

Is it because they are so special? Sure they are special and this is a very significant loss for you - but the depth of your struggles has a lot more to do with the complexity of the relationship bond than the person.

In some important way this relationship saved or rejuvenated you. The way your BP partner hung on your every word, looked at you with admiring eyes and wanted you, filled an empty void.

Or, your BPD partner may have been insecure and needy and their problems inspired your sympathy and determination to resolve. Doing this made you feel exceptional, heroic, valuable.

As a result, you were willing to tolerate behavior beyond what you've known to be acceptable. You've felt certain that your BPD depended on you and that they would never leave. However challenging, you have been committed to see it through.

Unknown to you, your BPD partner was on a complex journey that started long before the relationship began. You were their “knight in shining armor”, you were their hope, and the answer to disappointments that they have struggled with most of their life.

Together, this made for an incredibly “loaded” relationship bond between the two of you.

Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck

Breaking up with a BPD partner is often difficult because we do not have a valid understanding of the disorder or our relationship bond. As a result we often misinterpret their actions and some of our own. Many of us struggle with some of the following false beliefs.

1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness

We often believe that our BPD partner is the master of our joy and the keeper of our sorrow. You may feel that they have touched the very depths of your soul. As hard as this is to believe right now, your perspective on this is likely a bit off.

Idealization is a powerful “drug” - and it came along at a time in your life when you were very receptive to it. In time, you will come to realize that your partner's idealization of you, no matter how sincere, was a courting ritual and an overstatement of the real emotions at the time. You were special - but not that special.

You will also come to realize that a lot of your elation was due to your own receptivity and openness and your hopes.

You will also come to realize that someone coming out of an extended traumatic relationship is often depressed and can not see things clearly in the end. You may feel anxious, confused, and you may be ruminating about your BPD partner. All of this distorts your perception reality. You may even be indulging in substance abuse to cope.

BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPFamily is a non-profit, co-op of over 55,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1998. We welcome you to join our free 24 hour on-line support community and grow with us as we learn to live better lives in the shadow of this disorder. For more information or to register, please click here. www.bpdfamily.com

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

If you believe that your BPD partner was experiencing the relationship in the same way that you were or that they are feeling the same way you do right now, don't count on it. This will only serve to confuse you and make it harder to understand what is really happening.

When any relationship breaks down, it's often because the partners are on a different “page” - but much more so when your partner suffers from borderline personality disorder.

Unknown to you, there were likely significant periods of shame, fear, disappointment, resentment, and anger rising from below the surface during the entire relationship. What you have seen lately is not new - rather it's a culmination of feelings that often arise later in the relationship.

3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance

You concede that there are problems, and have pledged to do your part to resolve them.

Because there have been periods of extreme openness, honesty, humanity and thoughtfulness during the relationship, and even during the break-ups, your BPD partners concerns are very credible in your eyes.

But your BPD partner also has the rather unique ability to distort facts, details, and play on your insecurities to a point where fabrications are believable to you. It's a complex defense mechanism, a type of denial, and a common characteristic of the disorder.

As a result, both of you come to believe that you are the problem; that you are inadequate; that you need to change; even that you deserve to be punished or left behind.

This is largely why you have accepted punishing behaviors; why you try to make amends and try to please; why you feel responsible.

4) Belief that love can prevail

Once these relationships seriously rupture, they are harder to repair than most - so many wounds from the past have been opened. Of course you have much invested in the relationship and your partner has been an integral part of your dreams and hopes - but there are greater forces at play now.

For you, significant emotional wounds have been inflicted upon an already wounded soul. To revitalize the relationship, you would need to recover from being a wounded victim and emerge as an informed and loving caretaker - it's not a simple journey. You need compassion and validation to heal - something your BPD partner most likely won't understand - you'd be on your own to find it.

For your partner, there are longstanding and painful abandonment fears, trust issues, and resentments that have been triggered. They are coping by blaming much of it on you. For your partner, it is often much easier and safer to move on than to face all of the issues above.

5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"

The idealization stages of a relationship with a BPD partner can be intoxicating and wonderful. But, as in any relationship, the "honeymoon" stage passes.

The idealization that one or both of you would like to return to isn't sustainable. It never was. The loss of this dream (or the inability to transition in to a healthy next phase of love) may be what triggered the demise of the relationship to begin with.

BPD mood swings and cycles may have you conditioned to think that, even after a bad period, you can return to the "idealization". Your BPD partner may believe this too.

A more realistic representation of your relationship is the one you have recently experienced.

6) Clinging to the words that were said

We often cling to the positive words and promises that were voiced and ignore or minimize the negative actions.

Many wonderful and expressive things may have been said during the course of the relationship, but people suffering from BPD are dreamers, they can be fickle, and they over express emotions like young children - often with little thought for long term implications.

You must let go of the words. It may break your heart to do so. But the fact is, the actions - all of them - are your truth.

7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard

We often feel if we explain our point better, put it in writing, or find the right words….

People with BPD hear and read very well. But when emotions are flared, the ability to understand diminishes greatly.

Most of what you are saying is being interpreted as dogmatic and hurtful. And the more insistent you become - the more hurtful it is - the less your partner feels “heard” - and the more communications break down.

Your BPD partner will not likely validate or even acknowledge what you have said. It may be denial, it may be the inability to get past what they feel and want to say, or it may even be payback.

This is one of the most difficult aspects of breaking up - there is no closure.

8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder

We often think that by holding back or depriving our BPD partner of “our love” - that they will “see the light”. We base this on all the times our partner expressed a fear that we would leave and how they needed us.

During an actual break-up it is different. Distancing triggers all kinds of abandonment and trust issues for the BPD partner (as described in #4).

People with BPD also have real object constancy issues - “out of sight is out of mind”. They may feel, after two weeks of separation, the same way you would feel after six.

Absence generally makes the heart grow colder.

9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.

You might want to stay to help your partner. Possibly to disclose to them that they have borderline personality disorder and help them get into therapy. Maybe you want to help in other ways while still maintaining a “friendship”.

The fact is, you are no longer in a position to be the caretaker and support person for your BPD partner - no matter how well intentioned.

Understand that you have become the trigger for your BPD partner's bad feelings and bad behavior. Sure, you do not deliberately cause these feelings, but your presence is now triggering them. This is a complex defense mechanism that is often seen with borderline personality disorder when a relationship sours. It's roots emanate from the deep central wounds of the disorder. You can't begin to answer to this.

You also need to question your own motives and your expectations for wanting to help. Is this kindness or a type “well intentioned” manipulation on your part - an attempt to change them to better serve the relationship as opposed to addressing the lifelong wounds from which they suffer?

More importantly, what does this suggest about your own survival instincts - you're injured, in ways you may not fully even grasp, and it's important to attend to your own wounds before you are capable of helping anyone else.

You are damaged. Right now, your primary responsibility really needs to be to yourself - your own emotional survival.

If they try to lean on you, it's a greater kindness that you step away. Difficult, no doubt, but more responsible.

10) Belief that they have seen the light

Your partner may suddenly be on their best behavior or appearing very needy and trying to entice you back into the relationship. You, hoping that they are finally seeing things your way or really needing you, may venture back in - or you may struggle mightily to stay away.

What is this all about?

Well, at the end of any relationship there can be a series of break-ups and make-ups - disengaging is often a process, not an event.

However when this process becomes protracted, it becomes toxic. At the end of a BP relationship, this can happen. The emotional needs that fueled the relationship bond initially, are now fueling a convoluted disengagement as one or both partners struggle against their deep enmeshment with the other and their internal conflicts about the break up.

Either partner may go to extremes to reunite - even use the threat of suicide to get attention and evoke sympathies.

Make no mistake about what is happening. Don't be lulled into believing that the relationship is surviving or going through a phase. At this point, there are no rules. There are no clear loyalties. Each successive break-up increases the dysfunction of relationship and the dysfunction of the partners individually - and opens the door for very hurtful things to happen.

Author: Skip

BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPFamily is a non-profit, co-op of over 50,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1994. We welcome you to join our free 24 hour on-line support community and grow with us as we learn to live better lives in the shadow of this disorder. For more information or to register, please click here. www.bpdfamily.com

Do people with Borderline Personality Disorder lack of Empathy?

2010-12-13T07:07:00.022-06:00

To show empathy is to identify with another person’s feelings. Empathy is a sophisticated human response.

It begins with awareness of another person's feelings. It would be easier to be aware of other people's emotions if they would simply tell us how they felt. But since most people do not, we must resort to asking questions, reading between the lines, guessing, and trying to interpret non-verbal cues. Emotionally expressive people are easiest to read because their eyes and faces are constantly letting us know how they are feeling.

Once we are aware of another persons feelings, we briefly imagine ourselves in their place - feel what they feel - and then respond to them in ways that would comfort us. This requires great deal of emotional maturity.

When Do Our Empathy Skills Fail

Having empathy isn't so easy when we are in a distraught emotional state ourselves. It can be hard to give when we are needy. We have all been there at times. Showing empathy isn't so easy when the person we are trying to comfort is having an experience we can't relate to - either in terms of noticing it or it terms of how to respond to it. We have all found ourselves in this situation at times.

A Person With BPD Fails for the Same Reasons as We Do

Having empathy isn't so easy when one is in a distraught emotional state. Keep in mind that BPD sufferers are often flooded with conflicted and painful emotions. During times of dysregulation, an emotional response that is more intense than normal, Borderline Personality sufferers can be so overwhelmed with emotion that makes them, at worst, incapable fo normal functioning , and at best, internally focused, self centered and self absorbed.

Often a person with BPD doesn’t have emotional energy to spare to consider the emotions of others.

Showing empathy isn't so easy when it's an experience we can't relate to. People suffering from BPD have a problem with poor emotional vocabularies, meaning they find it hard to label and understand - their own feelings - let alone understand others. This inability to understand or accept their own feelings leads to feelings of confusion, shame and self hatred, one of the defining traits of a BPD sufferer. Additionally, a person suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder is often not very kind to themselves. They often comfort themselves by dysfunctional means - cutting and self injury are a good examples of dysfunctional soothing.

Even worse, if a pwBPD perceives they are being attacked or criticized by our pain and suffering, or that there is even the possibility of being attacked, their defenses may go into over drive and the attack rather than empathize.

What Can We Do?

Being hurt and defensive doesn't help.

Being the target of someones dysregulation (which can often feel irrational and unjustified) is painful. And while the natural reaction is to become defensive – this takes us further from receiving the empathy we desired or need. This is why independent support is very important to individuals in relationships with people suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder.

BPD is a true mental disorder. A person with this disorder often can't be empathetic. We need to recognize this and find comfort elsewhere.

If we see that the person with BPD can't respond appropriately we need to just step away - let it go - find support in another way. Family, friends, and support groups are very important for those in a relationship with a person suffering from this disorder.

Do We Need to be Show Empathy for the Person with BPD?

When we try to understand others behaviors from a logical standpoint, we are judging our loved one based on how we believe they “should” perceive. This focus on “logic” leads to the conclusion that the pwBPD "should" be able to do better. Believing these “should’s” prevents us from full acceptance that our loved one is mentally ill. But, lets face it, it’s hard to comprehend how someone’s emotions can get in the way .

A recent study at Harvard Medical school using brain scanning to analyze how anger is processed, demonstrated that people who were depressed had a decrease in blood flow to critical areas of the brain, reducing their inhibitions and interfering with their ability to consider the consequences of their actions. They experienced what researchers described as a double hit, “A decrease in blood flow to these areas of the brain reduces both their ability to control impulsive acts and their feelings about the consequences of those acts, say punching someone in the mouth. There is both a lack of emotion and a lack of control. A double hit that adds up to inappropriate, even violent rage.”

Someone who suffers from BPD is constantly on the alert for any possible invalidation. Even the slightest criticism or hint of rejection hurts them and drives them into defense and attack mode. They become hyper vigilant to any possible threats (often making mountains out of molehills in the process) as a defensive measure to protect themselves.

Until we can accept this, we won't be able to adjust and make our lives and theirs less chaotic and hurtful.

Authors: United for Now, Skip

BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPFamily is a non-profit, co-op of over 55,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1998. We welcome you to join our free 24 hour on-line support community and grow with us as we learn to live better lives in the shadow of this disorder. For more information or to register, please click here. www.bpdfamily.com

Do You Have Healthy Boundaries?

2010-12-06T13:19:00.006-06:00

bpdfamily.com reminds us of the importance of honoring our own values.

Everyone has a personal code of values. We all have codes with respect to finances, romance, parenting, lifestyle preferences, personal safety and faith. Boundaries are what we communicate as reasonable and permissible ways for other people to behave around us and not violate our code. For example, a recovering alcoholic may communicate that he doesn't want to participate in group events involving alcohol or a women may communicate the she doesn't want any time of physical touching during an argument.

Many of us believe one thing but communicate or signal something very different and are then hurt when our boundaries are not respected. This can be a particular problem when a loved one has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). People with BPD often have poor judgment with respect to others.

Enforcing our Boundaries

To enforce our boundaries, we must be clear about our own values, we must communicate them to others, we must conduct ourselves in way that other see our commitment to our values, and we must respond when someone crosses over our limits.

When we respect and enforce our boundaries it is a sign of healthy self care. For example, it's not enough to tell others that drinking and driving is bad. We must never let others see us drink and drive. We must never ride with others who have been drinking. It is the power to say “no” and the strength to stand behind it. Defining, communicating, being a role model, and enforcing boundaries is how we protect ourselves so that we aren’t hurt or taken advantage of.

Unfortunately, many of us don’t do this well and allows others to take advantage of us or harm us in some very painful ways. While there are a variety of possible reasons, many based on a low sense of self esteem, there are times when our inability to stand by our boundaries is based on fear. We fear the consequences if we say “no” or we are just too worn out from what seems like a constant battle, so we give in.

If your gut clenches up at the thought of enforcing a boundary, then it is possible that your fears are actually preventing you from taking care of yourself. How? If you fear a person’s anger more than you fear riding in the car with someone who’s been drinking, then your honor them is more than you honor yourself. If you fear stating your boundaries, then you allowing someone else to determine what you need or deserve. Essentially, your fears are allowing others to manipulate and control you.

Sheer exhaustion can also weaken your ability to have boundaries. Example, your young teenager nags and nags and nags you to lend them the money and to give them permission to attend a concert (which runs way past curfew, and which isn’t intended for young kids), till you finally just give in. Your spouse wants to go on a fancy vacation way beyond your budget. After months of badgering, ridiculing, and nagging, you finally agree to go – even though you aren’t sure how you will pay for it. By giving in you are taking the path of least resistance and getting some relief from the pressure the other person has placed on you with their constant pushing and badgering. You are also signaling to them that you don't really have a boundary, guaranteeing that they will use the same tactic the next time they want something from you.

To overcome a fear based aversion to enforcing boundaries, you must first admit to them. Admitting that you are afraid of someone’s reaction can help you examine your fears, which is the next step – analyzing what you fear – someone’s anger. To reduce and control your fears, you need to analyze and dissect them. Are they based on distortions or will you really be killed if you are late coming home? If they are based on threats you’ve been told, is the threat of their anger worse than the fear of dying? Do you believe the person would actually follow through on their threats? Can you face that threat and follow it through to it’s logical conclusion – and envision how you would cope if it came true? Would you be able to survive? What are you realistic options? Facing your fears and making plans removes a lot of the power they have over you.

If sheer exhaustion is wearing you down, then you need to practice better self care. Just like when your body is wore down it is more susceptible to getting sick, so is your emotional strength wore down when it feels drained and empty. Making the time to do things for yourself is critical to help balance out your emotional strength. This could take the form of getting some alone time, meeting with supportive friends or family members, engaging in activities that rejuvenate you, or getting some personal therapy to help you with rebuilding your inner strength. Essentially, the better we feel about ourselves the easier it is to withstand stressful situations and the pressure others place on us.

The bottom line - if you don't believe in your code of values - no one will.

Examples of Boundaries

Demarcation of where you end and another begins and where you begin and another ends.
Limit or line over which you will not allow anyone to cross because of the negative impact of its being crossed in the past.
Established set of limits over your physical and emotional well-being which you expect others to respect in their relationship with you.
Emotional and physical space you need in order to be the real you without the pressure from others to be something that you are not.
Healthy emotional and physical distance you can maintain between you and another so that you do not become overly enmeshed and/or dependent.
Balanced emotional and physical limits set on interacting with another so that you can achieve an interdependent relationship of independent beings who do not lose their personal identity, uniqueness and autonomy in the process.
Set of parameters which make you a unique, autonomous and free individual who has the freedom to be a creative, original, idiosyncratic problem solver.

Authors: United for Now, Skip

BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPFamily is a non-profit, co-op of over 55,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1998. We welcome you to join our free 24 hour on-line support community and grow with us as we learn to live better lives in the shadow of this disorder. For more information or to register, please click here. www.bpdfamily.com

Childhood sexual abuse more than doubles the likelihood of developing psychosis

2010-11-08T08:20:00.009-06:00

BPDFamily.com reports that a study published in the November Archives of General Psychiatry suggests that children who are sexually abused may be at twice the risk for developing schizophrenia and other psychotic disorders.

In this study, Margaret C. Cutajar of Monash University, Victoria, Australia, and colleagues linked data from police and medical examinations of sexual abuse cases to a statewide register of psychiatric cases. They compared the rates of psychiatric disorders among 2,759 individuals who had been sexually abused when younger than age 16 to 4,938 random individuals. Over a 30-year period, individuals who had experienced childhood sexual abuse had more the twice the incidence of psychosis (2.8 percent vs. 1.4 percent) and schizophrenia disorders (1.9 percent vs. 0.7 percent).

This is consistent with prior studies studies that have established that abused children are more likely to develop depression, anxiety, substance abuse, borderline personality disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder and suicidal behavior, according to background information in the article. This study found that a history of sexual abuse with penetration especially increased the risk.

Participants experienced abuse at an average age of 10.2, and 1,732 (63 percent) of cases involved penetration of a bodily orifice by a penis, finger or other object. Those exposed to this type of abuse had higher rates of psychosis (3.4 percent) and schizophrenia (2.4 percent).

“The risks of subsequently developing a schizophrenic syndrome were greatest in victims subjected to penetrative abuse in the peripubertal and postpubertal years from 12 to 16 years and among those abused by more than one perpetrator,” the authors write.

“Children raped in early adolescence by more than one perpetrator had a risk of developing psychotic syndromes 15 times greater than for the general population.”

The results establish childhood sexual abuse as a risk factor for psychotic illness, but do not necessarily translate into abuse causing or increasing the risk of developing such a disease, the authors note. “The possibility of a link between childhood sexual abuse and later psychotic disorders, however, remains unresolved despite the claims of some that a causal link has been established to schizophrenia,” the authors write.

Many cases of childhood sexual abuse never come to light, and the overall population of abused children may be significantly different from those whose abuse is detected by officials.

“Establishing that severe childhood sexual abuse is a risk factor for schizophrenia does have important clinical implications irrespective of questions of causality and irrespective of whether those whose abuse is revealed are typical,” the authors conclude.

“Children who come to attention following childhood sexual abuse involving penetration, particularly in the peripubertal and postpubertal period, should receive ongoing clinical and social support in the knowledge that they are at greater risk of developing a psychotic illness.”

“Such treatment in our opinion should focus on improving their current functioning and adaptation to the demands of the transition from adolescent to adult roles rather than primarily on the abuse experience itself.

“Such an approach should benefit all victims, irrespective of whether they have the potential to develop a psychotic illness.”

The study is found in the November issue of Archives of General Psychiatry, one of the JAMA/Archives journals.

Schizophrenia and Other Psychotic Disorders in a Cohort of Sexually Abused Children
Margaret C. Cutajar, DPsych, MAPS; Paul E. Mullen, DSc, FRANZCP, FRCPsych; James R. P. Ogloff, PhD; Stuart D. Thomas, PhD; David L. Wells, MA, FACLM; Josie Spataro, PhD, MAPS Arch Gen Psychiatry. 2010;67(11):1114-1119.

Author: Skip

BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPFamily is a non-profit, co-op of over 55,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1998. We welcome you to join our free 24 hour on-line support community and grow with us as we learn to live better lives in the shadow of this disorder. For more information or to register, please click here. www.bpdfamily.com

Extinction Bursts - Important to Understand when your Partner has BPD.

2010-10-29T03:15:00.021-05:00

We all know that life is a journey and that it’s important to have focus and objectives. This can become difficult if the person "traveling" with us has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Because of the associated impulsiveness, hypersensitivity, and dysfunctional coping, people with this disorder often "wander off the path". And we often feel compelled to chase after and cater to them, which, in turn, diverts our focus and often results in anxiety, abuse, and dysfunction for everyone.

According to BPDFamily.com, extinguishing this pattern isn’t easy, yet it is an essential first step in having a healthy relationship. Taking care of ourselves may feel like a selfish focus - but as the emotionally healthier one, it’s important that we not get bogged down in BPD induced dramas. And it's important that we understand that our BPD loved ones aren’t mentally fit to be leading the relationship.

So what do we do? When the person with Borderline Personality Disorder becomes dysregulated or depressed. BPDFamily.com recommends that you give them the space to self sooth - not try to do it for them. Take a deep breath and politely and non-aggressively disengage. It’s not easy to block out the distraction and emotional pleas for our attention, yet it is only with a critical pause that we can really stay on a constructive and healthy pathway.

This act is called extinction. We essentially remove our reinforcement in an attempt to stop the behavior. We simply stop rewarding the behavior.

When our partner doesn’t get the expected response (reinforcement by us) it may scare or anger them and they may try harder to engage us using threats, violence, destruction, intimidation, name calling, belittling, promises of withholding necessary things, retaliation, or any other painful thing they can think of to get us to engage. This escalation is know as an extinction burst.

Extinction Burst - The term extinction burst describes the phenomena of behavior temporarily getting worse, not better, when the reinforcement stops.

Spontaneous Recovery - Behavior affected by extinction is apt to recur in the future when the trigger is presented again. This is known as spontaneous recovery or the transient increase in behavior. Be aware of this eventuality. It is a part of the extinction process. Don't be discouraged.

This is OK, as long as we anticipate it, understand it, and are prepared for it. The same is true for spontaneous recovery.

They won’t like this, but it is a necessary for them to experience and to learn to self sooth their own frustrations in life. It is what will bring on the opportunity for change. When we do it, we block this opportunity for change and we subvert our own emotional health.

We can not allow others to lead us astray on our journey. In time, if we stay committed to our path our partners will adjust. And we won’t be subjecting ourselves to as much pain.

Authors: United for Now, Skip

BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPFamily is a non-profit, co-op of over 55,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1998. We welcome you to join our free 24 hour on-line support community and grow with us as we learn to live better lives in the shadow of this disorder. For more information or to register, please click here. www.bpdfamily.com

Bibliotherapy: Depression Cured by Reading Book

2010-10-11T11:03:00.009-05:00

Few self-help books have been empirically tested in clinical studies. In a study published September 1, 2010 in the Journal of Clinical Psychology in Medical Settings, researchers concluded that a behavioral prescription for Feeling Good, The New Mood Therapy by David D. Burns, M.D. may be as effective as the standard of care, which commonly involves face to face therapy and antidepressant medicines (1). This is the fifth study on this landmark book which BPDFamily.com credits as being a significant catalyst in the advancement of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) in modern clinical therapy.

This type of treatment is known as bibliotherapy. Feeling Good is the book most frequently "prescribed" by psychologists for patients undergoing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. CBT is a method developed by Aaron T. Beck in the 1960s.

David D. Burns, M.D - Visiting Scholar at the Harvard Medical School

David D. Burns, M.D. graduated magna cum laude from Amherst College, received his M.D. from Stanford University School of Medicine and completed his psychiatry residency at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine. He has served as Acting Chief of Psychiatry at the Presbyterian / University of Pennsylvania Medical Center (1988) and Visiting Scholar at the Harvard Medical School (1998) and is certified by the National Board of Psychiatry and Neurology. Dr. Burns is currently Adjunct Clinical Professor Emeritus of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at the Stanford University School of Medicine, where he is involved in research and teaching. He has received the A. E. Bennett Award for his research on brain chemistry, the Distinguished Contribution to Psychology through the Media Award, and the Outstanding Contributions Award from the National Association of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapists. He has been named Teacher of the Year three times from the class of graduating residents at Stanford University School of Medicine.

Depression Common in Families with a person Suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder.

In a recent survey of 324 members, 72% of BPDFamily.com participant reported symptoms indicative of moderate to severe depression. Members suffer from depression after years of being in an invalidating home environment. Some have even advanced to a state of "learned helplessness". Feeling Good is the book most frequently "prescribed" by psychologists for patients undergoing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Clinical studies have shown patient improvement by just reading the book - a treatment known as bibliotherapy. Four (4) million copies have been sold in the United States.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Techniques

The book outlines proven Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques that will help you emerge from depression and develop a more positive outlook on life. CBT is effective for:

Dealing with guilt
Handling hostility and criticism
Overcoming addiction to love and approval
Building self–esteem.

In one well known part of the book, Burns discusses 10 'Cognitive Distortions'. Here, he lays out a plan for recognizing faulty thinking, how these thoughts affect our moods, and how to correct these distortions.

~ All-or-Nothing Thinking
~ Overgeneralization
~ Mental Filter
~ Disqualifying the Positive
~ Jumping to Conclusions
~ Magnification and Minimization
~ Emotional Reasoning
~ Should Statements
~ Labeling and Mislabeling
~ Personalization.

Disclosure

BPDFamily.com recommends this book to its members based on its merits. The organization has no affiliation with Dr. Burns, nor does the organization profit from the sales of this book.

# Paperback: 736 pages
# Publisher: Harper; 1980, Revised edition (October 1, 1999)
# Language: English
# ISBN-10: 0380810336
# ISBN-13: 978-0380810338

1= Journal of Clinical Psychology in Medical Settings, Vol. 17, No. 3. (1 September 2010), pp. 258-271

Author: Skip

BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPFamily is a non-profit, co-op of over 55,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1998. We welcome you to join our free 24 hour on-line support community and grow with us as we learn to live better lives in the shadow of this disorder. For more information or to register, please click here. www.bpdfamily.com

Your parents: Have you been a victim emotional incest?

2010-10-04T07:00:00.017-05:00

What is emotional incest?

According to BPDFamily.com, emotional, or covert, incest is an overclose bond between a parent and a child without normal boundaries, but without sexual contact. Conversely, overt incest involves sexual contact.

Patricia Love, PhD defines emotional incest as "a style of parenting in which parents turn to their children, not to their partners, for emotional support. To the casual observer, the parents may appear loving and devoted. They may spend a great deal of time with their children and lavish them with praise and material gifts. But in the final analysis, their love is not a nurturing, giving love--it's an unconscious ploy to satisfy their own unmet needs."

The BPD factor: Parents with BPD tend to be emotionally immature, have poor boundaries, and think in black and white terms (child = good; spouse = bad). Non parents, faced with a spouse who through his or her disorder may not be functioning as an equal and satisfying partner, may also turn to a child for support. The resulting family situation is one that is at risk for emotional incest.

What are the characteristics of an emotionally incestuous parent-child bond?

The parent is using the child extensively to satisfy needs that are beyond the child's ability and role and that should be satisfied by other adults--intimacy, companionship, romantic stimulation, advice, problem solving, ego fulfillment, and/or emotional release.
The parent is ignoring many of the child's needs, e.g., for protection, nurturing, guidance, structure, affection, affirmation, or discipline. Instead of the parent meeting the needs of the child, the child is meeting the needs of the parent.

Many parents and children are close; closeness is often healthy and desirable. The key determinant of whether the parenting role has become invasive is that a healthy parent "takes care of a child's needs [in an age-appropriate way] without making the child feel responsible for his/her needs." Parents often slip into the "invasive" role without any intention to harm their children, but the impact is nonetheless harmful.

What are the effects of a parent's reliance on a child?

According to Dr. Love, "Being a parent's primary source of support is a heavy burden for young children. Forced to suppress their own needs, they struggle to satisfy the needs of the adults. Because of this role reversal, they are rarely given adequate protection, guidance, or discipline, and they are exposed to experiences well beyond their years. In adolescence and adulthood, they are likely to be plagued by one or more of the following difficulties: depression, chronic low-level anxiety, problems with self-esteem and love relationships, overly loose or rigid personal boundaries, some form of sexual dysfunction, eating disorders and drug or alcohol addiction."

What about other family members?

Emotional incest affects all members of a family. Love provides a "role call":

The Invasive Parent--is enmeshed with a child in order to meet his/her needs that are not being met in an adult relationship

The Chosen Child--is enmeshed with the invasive parent; often treated as "all good" and favored, but own needs to develop as an individual, to make mistakes and learn, to receive structure and discipline, etc. are actually neglected. Chosen children can also be treated as scapegoats, used "not just for emotional support but for the release of anger and tension."

The Left-Out Spouse--spouse of invasive parent, is often shut out of exclusive parent-child bond; may turn to workaholism, alcohol, affairs, or other unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with an unhappy life at home

The Left-Out Child(ren)--a non-favored child, may be neglected or receive less of the family's resources; may bond with the left out spouse

Spouse of the Chosen Child--when the chosen child grows up and marries, his/her spouse may find him/herself engaged in a rather disturbing triangle with the chosen child and invasive parent

Where can I find out more?

See the Book Review for The Emotional Incest Syndrome, by Patricia Love, PhD on BPDFamily.com. Share your experiences by adding a comment.

Author: BlackandWhite

BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPFamily is a non-profit, co-op of over 55,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1998. We welcome you to join our free 24 hour on-line support community and grow with us as we learn to live better lives in the shadow of this disorder. For more information or to register, please click here. www.bpdfamily.com

Borderline Personality Disorder Prevalence 5.9%

2010-09-13T07:00:00.011-05:00

BPDFamily.com reports that Borderline Personality Disorder is three times more prevalent than previously thought and is possibly the most common of the personality disorders.

A recent study by the National Institute of Health projects that BPD affects more individuals and their families than previously believed. See member discussion here:

A sample of findings:

the prevalence of the disorder is 5.9%;
that prevalence in men is the same as women;
BPD was more prevalent among Native American men, younger and separated/divorced
/widowed adults, and lower income and education;
BPD was less prevalent among Hispanic men and women, and Asian women;
BPD prevalence was greatest among people with bipolar disorder (50%), panic disorder, or drug dependence. Smokers were also more likely to have BPD'
24% had comorbidity with another personality disorder. The rates of NPD/BPD and ASPD/BPD were higher among women;
lower incidence was seen in adults over 44 years of age.

There are many family members who are hurt by their loved one’s disorder. A person who suffers from a personality disorder can often be rigid and exhibits heightened emotions and responses, leaving them highly distressed in their life. This ultimately affects most of the relationships closest to them. BPDFamily.com estimates that 18 million individuals are struggling in their relationships with their husbands and wives, romantic partners present and past, friends, coworkers, their parents, siblings, children, in-laws, etc.

Are you in love with someone with borderline personality disorder? Do you think your mother, child, friend, neighbor or coworker has BPD? Can we help you to untangle the mysteries, dissolve the chaos and reclaim your life? Please leave a comment if any of this sounds like a situation that you are or have been in you may want to visit the BPDfamily support group.

Authors: DreamGirl, Skip

BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPFamily is a non-profit, co-op of over 55,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1998. We welcome you to join our free 24 hour on-line support community and grow with us as we learn to live better lives in the shadow of this disorder. For more information or to register, please click here. www.bpdfamily.com

BPD News: Is it a "Hoover" or is it "Relationship Recycling"

2010-09-01T06:00:00.030-05:00

The BPDFamily.com support group reports that "hoovering" is a misleading slang term that some use to suggest that a relationship partner can "suck us back into a relationship" after we break it off. “Hoovering” in this context falsely implies a premeditated malicious effort to hurt their partner on the part of the person with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). It also suggests that the partner is somewhat powerless to resist returning to the relationship.
This concept is in conflict with the primary characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder - most notably that people with the disorder are notoriously impulsive, weak and often too consumed in their own pain to be sensitive to others. This concept also suggests that someone has power over another that they could not possibly have.

Most likely what is happening is relationship recycling by both parties - breaking up, getting back, breaking up, getting back.

Relationship Recycling Takes Two

Excessive relationship recycling, or break-up/make-ups are common in some “BPD” relationships. 70% of our members having unsuccessful relationships report having had 4 or more break-up/make-ups. 23% report an unbelievable 10 or more.

Recycling is about both parties. The real dynamic is that both parties return to a place they feel is safer/easier than being apart. So, in effect, the couple struggles to work together and each struggles in weakness to be apart or alone.

Living with excessive recycling is an unhealthy place to be. When you repeatedly recycle, clearly something is very wrong.

Recycling can become the “norm” in a relationship. with both parties can becoming conditioned to it after a while. Accepting this “norm” is the ultimate boundary violation – you are not treating each other well - you are not treating yourself well.

If you have been through more than 3 break-up/make-ups in your relationship, it's important to recognize that it is unlikely to get better if something doesn't significantly change. Repeated recycling will not go away on its own. One person can’t fix it unilaterally (stop the breakups).

Is Recycling Always Unhealthy?

Not always. Let's break this down. Sixty-two (62%) of relationships do not end at the first break-up. For a wife to have second thoughts about a divorce is normal. Sometimes our own self doubt makes us want to try one more time. Sometimes one partner promises to change something. To reconnect with a person after a break-up 1-2 times is really not all that unusual.

When there are more than 3-4 "break-up/make-up" cycles in a relationship there is something seriously wrong. And when this happens, the likelihood of a positive outcome are greatly diminished.

Why do we get caught up in cycles?

These are the questions we need to answer if we ever want the break-up/make-up cycle to end. Are we returning to this person because we are in love with them and the relationship has a chance, or are we returning to this person because they feel safe?

* Are we afraid to be alone?

* Do we have our own abandonment issues?

* Are we fearful that we cannot find someone as good as them again?

* Are we fearful of the next step (dating, financial issues, etc.)

Why do our "BPD" partners recycle?

It is hard for us to understand why our partner is expressing an interest after they left in a torrent of bad behavior (e.g., cheating, raging and telling us that we are a horrible people). "If they don't love me, why this?" The answer is much of the same reasons as we have... plus a few others that are related to the disorder.

* Inability to deal with acute loneliness

* Severe insecurity / needing validation (from someone that highly values them)

* Shame / wanting to prove they are a good person (to us or themselves)

* Immaturity/Manipulation/Control - the break-up was just a way to get their way.

If You Want to Stay in the Relationship

The ability to end break-up/make-up cycles and stay in a relationship takes a deep commitment by both partners. This often means structured rehabilitation (counseling, workshops, classes, self-help programs, etc.).

If you are both open to restarting the relationship, remember the problem isn't going to go away without work. Hope is not enough (on both sides).

You may believe that your partner has changed, will change, is sincere this time, will get into treatment if only you come back. They may believe that the you changed. But unless there is specific work on a serious level going on - don't count on it.

If You Want to Exit in Relationship

The power to end the relationship and end the toxic break-up/make-up cycles lies with you... not your partner. Don't avocate your responsibility here. It may be comforting to blame our partner - but it is simply denial on our part. This is a common problem in the last stage of BPD relationships. You need to step up and deal with it - as hard as it is. And, it is hard. Just look at these numbers of break-up/make-up cycles in a recent BPDFamily.com poll.

Number of break-up/make-up cycles
--------------------------
None
12.8% had 1-2 recycles before it ended (not unheathy)
14.9% had 3-5 recycles before it ended (unhealthy)
38.3% had 6 - 10 recycles before it ended (very unhealthy)
8.5% had 10 or more recycles before it ended (wow)
23.4% still haven't broken up (still recycling)

If you are truly finished with the relationship, if you have expressed this to the ex and he/she continues to contact you, it is best to go to reduce your frequency, timing, and the personal nature of your communications (controlled contact) - possibly all the way to ending it (no contact). If you stop engaging the other person will usually move on. It's not more complex than this.

Is He/She Sincere or is this just More Toxic Recycling?

Many of us spend much time trying to figure out if the attempted "re-engagement" is sincere by the other party.

To understand this, it's important to understand the emotional make-up of someone with BPD. They are not crazy/insane - their behaviors are often predictable - especially if we understand the disorder and their history with us. So it is reasonable to accept that the person with BPD is sincere in wanting to reconnect. It is important to consider, however, that pwBPD can be highly impulsive and those impulses can change quickly. So sincerity is not the issue. The issue is whether the person with BPD (as well as you) can follow through with the commitment.

It's also important to look at ourselves and question whether we are doing the same thing; often we are.

Author: Skip

BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPFamily is a non-profit, co-op of over 55,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1998. We welcome you to join our free 24 hour on-line support community and grow with us as we learn to live better lives in the shadow of this disorder. For more information or to register, please click here. www.bpdfamily.com

Are You a Victim of a Person With Borderline Personality Disorder?

2010-08-24T06:22:00.035-05:00

As you search for answers for your heartache and pain, you will find support and understanding at BPDfamily.com.

Learning that someone we care about suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder and that they are mentally ill is, in some ways, a relief. We finally have a medical condition that explains so much of the pain and confusion we have experienced in our relationship. It isn't all our fault after all. He/she is the one with the problem - not me. I am the innocent victim in the relationship.

It's compelling to think that we are a victim. It absolves us of responsibility. However, while it may feel good to think this way, it isn’t the healthy response on our part.

The downside of casting ourselves as a victim is that this thinking tends to keep us repeating the same dysfunctional patterns. It reinforces the thought that we can’t do anything about the abuse because we are helpless. It masks the bad choices we made. It often hinders us from reaching for the tools to grow and to heal ourselves.

Learning that it is "not all my fault" doesn't mean that we are faultless.

Many of us wish that the pwBPD in our lives would get therapy and become “cured” and all the relationship problems would vanish. Sadly, this dream misses a major component of the problem – us.

We too, are damaged. How, you may ask? It takes two people for an argument. It takes two people for emotional blackmail to work. It takes two people if someone is being abused. It takes two for most of lifes events. We choose to stand there and listen as they screamed and yelled at us. We choose to not walk away when things became uncomfortable. We choose to plead with them during the long stretches of silent treatment. We choose to continue living there. We choose to stay in contact.

These are choices that we made. Sure, they were out of love, but love for whom? Why didn’t we protect ourselves? Why didn’t we take care of ourselves? How can we expect to take care of others if we couldn't take care of ourselves?

Even if our loved one improves, without changes in us, the same problems are likely to repeat.

The real hope lies with us - in taking a step back from the dysfunction and untangling the enmeshment and becoming the emotional leader in the relationship or in the breakup.

Targeted Reader: Anyone in a romantic relationship with BPD, or a person exhibiting BPD personality traits or a BPD personality style. This article is not aimed at parents or children.

Authors: United for Now, Skip

BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPFamily is a non-profit, co-op of over 55,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1998. We welcome you to join our free 24 hour on-line support community and grow with us as we learn to live better lives in the shadow of this disorder. For more information or to register, please click here. www.bpdfamily.com

Why marriage counseling so often fail with Borderline Personality Disorder

2010-07-14T08:25:00.005-05:00

Over the years many BPDFamily.com members have tried to the marriage counseling route, hoping that they would see some progress in their relationship. From most reports, it often doesn't go well.

Why is this?

Marriage counseling is based on the premise that both individuals are willing to discuss the issues and that both are willing to make changes. Marriage counselors try to work on communication skills, which are often the root of the couples problems. With Borderline Personality Disorder they often miss the elephant in the room - the BPD sufferer's lack of social skills.

When one person has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) though, it's not easy to accept any blame. It's not easy to do any self evaluation. This are not "givens". These are issues that must be resolved before counseling can be affective. People with Borderline Personality Disorder don't have the skills to be consider others feelings as they are so often in self defense mode that they can't take their eyes off their own internal pain. They worry that we will say or do something that will set them off, creating more anger and more shame. They blame us for getting them mad, for making them lose it, for pushing them too hard. They don't have the skills to self regulate or soothe themselves, so they blame us to make themselves feel better. Working on communication skills isn't going to solve this.

Does this mean that MC is doomed to failure before it even starts? Not necessarily.

The first thing for couples is to each seek their own therapist - someone who practices DBT {dialectical behavioral therapy} is best so that each person can work on their own issues first, before they begin to delve into why the relationship is failing.

The second things is to find a skilled therapist who understands BPD and who knows how to work with couples, then you have a much better chance than with the average therapist. Do your homework first before scheduling an appointment. Don't be afraid to ask questions of the receptionist, or to request that the therapist call you ahead of time so that you can ask question.

Author: United for Now, Skip

BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPFamily is a non-profit, co-op of over 50,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1998. We welcome you to join our free 24 hour on-line support community and grow with us as we learn to live better lives in the shadow of this disorder. For more information or to register, please click here. www.bpdfamily.com

Video: What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

2010-06-14T07:00:00.013-05:00

Are you trying to determine if someone in your life suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder? You will find that diagnosis is a very complex question even for a PhD psychologist. There are no simple behavioral checklists. To have Borderline Personality Disorder, there is usually a dysfunctional pattern of handling emotional stress that dates all the way back into the teen years.

It is estimated that there are 18 million husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, and children affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. Few even know about it or are in treatment - but they know they struggle. Borderline Personality Disorder is a difficult disorder of the emotions and of self worth.

At the center of this disorder is a person with very high sensitivities to rejection and a limited ability to modulate emotional impulses. People suffering with this disorder are emotionally immature. Feelings are often masked by dysfunctional means of self-protection - including assuming a persona that they feel is lovable (as opposed to their own personality). Diagnosis requires knowledge of how a person has perceived and reacted to emotional events throughout their life. The most obvious external symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder perceivable by others is a lifelong pattern of instability in important interpersonal relationships.

What is going in a Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer's mind and how they are outwardly acting can be two different things. To the sufferer, BPD is about deep, often too difficult to express, feelings that are something along the lines of(1):

If others really get to know me, they will find me rejectable and will not be able to love me; and they will leave me;

I need to have complete control of my feelings otherwise things go completely wrong;

I have to adapt my needs to other people's wishes, otherwise they will leave me or attack me;

I am an evil person and I need to be punished for it;

Other people are evil and abuse you;

If someone fails to keep a promise, that person can no longer be trusted;

If I trust someone, I run a great risk of getting hurt or disappointed;

If you comply with someone's request, you run the risk of losing yourself;

If you refuse someone's request, you run the risk of losing that person;

I will always be alone;

I can't manage by myself, I need someone I can fall back on;

There is no one who really cares about me, who will be available to help me, and whom I can fall back on;

I don't really know what I want;

I will never get what I want;

I'm powerless and vulnerable and I can't protect myself;

I have no control of myself;

I can't discipline myself;

My feelings and opinions are unfounded;

Other people are not willing or helpful.

Please join us as we work together to find more rewarding and healthy lives with our BPD loved ones, or as we recover from a failed BPD relationships. For more information and to register, click here.

References:
(1)BPDFamily Staff Production included anonymous members Elphaba, LAPDR, ForeverDad, NewLifeForHGG, United for Now, and Skip, community leaders with professions in healthcare, education, and business.

BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPFamily is a non-profit, co-op of over 50,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1998. We welcome you to join our free 24 hour on-line support community and grow with us as we learn to live better lives in the shadow of this disorder. For more information or to register, please cleck here. www.bpdfamily.com

Video: Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder

2010-05-10T07:03:00.010-05:00

Do you have an emotionally difficult person in your life? It is estimated that there are 18 million husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, and children affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. Few even know about it or are in treatment.

Before your can make things better, you have to stop making them worse.

Someone has to be first. This means gen-erating the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are destructive to the relationship.

Make a Commitment to Stop Making it Worse

The first step is commitment. By definition, when you are out of control (throwing the proverbial fuel on the fire), you are not using logic (or any other helpful process) enough.

Commitment means practicing alternative reactions ahead of time until they become automatic. Then, as you start to become out of control, this new automatic behavior appears. In a way, commitment gives you self-control.

If you wanted to run a marathon, but you had never run more than three kilometers, you couldn't do it. No matter how much you wanted to keep running, you would be unable to merely will your body to perform in that situation. You would have to really want to run the marathon, which would get you out of bed early every day for months to work out, to practice. With enough commitment, you would engage in enough practice so that you could keep on running effectively (despite the pain).

But, even if you have the capacity to do a particular behavior that is effective, you might still lack the motivation.

In situations of high negative emotion, when it is harder to do the new behavior, you are likely to think, "I don't really care about that now". In this emotional state, you fail to see the consequences of your actions.

So, you need to get to a balanced place in your mind in which you are broadly aware of your real relationship goals and not just your painful emotion of the moment. It is important to practice now, so you can get there in situations of duress..

If you learned to drive on the right-hand side of the street, and you took a vacation in a country where they drive on the left, you would know, on the one hand, that it is very dangerous to drive on the right there. On the other hand, you probably would have strong urges to pull to the right. How would you get yourself to drive safely? Commitment.

BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPFamily is a non-profit, co-op of over 50,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1998. We welcome you to join our free 24 hour on-line support community and grow with us as we learn to live better lives in the shadow of this disorder. For more information or to register, please cleck here. www.bpdfamily.com

Self-Righteousness Is Not "Right"

Do you really see how being nasty, invalidating, or critical toward your partner, no matter what she or he just did; will only make your relationship worse?

Or, do you think that when he or she does these kinds of things to you that you have a "right" to respond with similar behavior (that she or he "deserves it")?

Most of us know it is not effective to be nasty. However, if you truly adopt a mindful stance toward your partner, you will see that you both of you are doing the same thing.

They think you deserve it. You think your partner deserves it. How could this possibly be resolved unless one (and eventually both) of you steps back mindfully and see that, as Gandhi said, "an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind"?

Do you really want to hurt your partner?

Do you want to hurt yourself? Hurting him or her is hurting yourself and continuing the unending agony of reciprocal retribution.

You can stop it.

Stepping Out Is Not Surrender

Maybe you now are thinking, "It's surrender to be attacked, and not to attack back!"

Well, refusing to continue to fight to the death (of your relationship) is hardly surrendering. Rather; if defeating your partner is also self-defeating; then stopping the fight is both showing the courage to do what is needed to survive and the courage to engage in self- preservation.

You can get yourself out of "win- lose" thinking (which really means "lose-lose") and into recognizing that not attacking is a win-win-win situation: you preserve your self- respect and your relationship and your partner emerges less trampled. Nobody loses.

If you think that stopping is surrender; you will likely feel ashamed; for we are typically taught to "stand up for what is right;" But; when you realize that stopping requires courage; conviction; and skills; and will lead to a better life for everyone involved; you will see that shame is not justified.

Anticipate Your Impulsiveness

Even if you are highly committed to stop making things worse in conflict situations; you still need to practice a host of skills needed to stop.

When we are in the middle of enduring a verbal attack from someone else; our own reaction feels impulsive; like an unpre-dictable and overbearing urge. However; realistically; a lot of these situations are quite predictable. How many times have you had that fight? How many times has your partner said that particular hurtful and provocative thing? Look descriptively at previous problems: what did your partner do that resulted in your emotions going through the roof to the point where you had urges to retaliate? We will call those things triggers because they trigger your response.

Rehearse a New emotional response

Once you have identified typical triggers; you can anticipate that your partner will do them again. The more aware you are of the triggers; the less potent they will be. In a way; every time you imagine your partner saying that trigger and imagine that you respond in a kind way (or; at least; not in kind); you are reconditioning the trigger because you are changing the cycle.

Identify as many triggers as you can.

The idea is not that these triggers cause your response; but rather that the cycle is now automatic (she says X; you say Y). It's a learned habit; much like reciting the alphabet. You need to stop saying "Y" and do something else.

What else?

The effective thing to do is anything that brings your arousal down and helps you respond differently.

There are many strategies for tolerating distress in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) that might be helpful in these situations. For example; you can distract yourself away from the argument by doing something else (take a walk; read; engage in other activities that are physically active ones or relaxing ones); look for spiritual soothing (say a little prayer; remember your values); do something soothing to your senses (listen to quiet music; eat comfort food; read a pleasant story or poem); or do something social (call a friend; send an e-mail). Some of these things you can do quickly. Others you will simply have to plan to do after successfully ending the interaction without responding negatively.

Once you have identified the typical triggers and also identified more helpful alternatives; you can put them together.

Imagine a trigger;
Imagine remembering your goal (not to make things worse; that you love this person; that responding in a negative way just keeps the negative cycle going); and
imagine responding in a self- respecting and respectful way.

Of course, whatever you say needs to be in your own words, but the essence of an effective response is staying reasonably calm and describing something about your genuine goals and feelings rather than telling the other person what she or he is doing wrong.

Manage Destructive Urges

Commitment and practicing alternative responses are very helpful in achieving self-control. But there are other skills you can use when urges to do harm are running high.

Did you ever have the urge to eat more dessert and not do it? Did you ever have the urge to stay in bed rather than go to work? Have you always given in to these urges, or have you managed them and done what was needed in those situations (at least sometimes) to make your life work?

Whatever you did to resist those kinds of urges are important skills to use when resisting the urge to treat your partner badly and continue the destructive conflict cycles you sometimes get in.
Here are three common strategies to help you respond without making things worse in a difficult situation:

A. Visualize the Negative Consequences of Giving In to Your Destructive Urges

If the alarm clock goes off and you are tired; comfortable , you may have the urge to turn it off and go back to sleep. But; you remember that your boss is not too pleased when you simply fail to show up for work; you realize that you will be swamped for the next several days trying to catch up. Within a minute or two; you are in the shower.

What happened? You remembered the negative consequences of following your urge instead of doing the wise thing. This method can be very effective at motivating us to act in ways that are responsible to our own longer-term goals.

B. Step Out and Observe the Urge

Alternatively, after the alarm clock goes off, you could observe your own behavior. You might then notice that by not taking the urge to stay in bed too seriously (observing it rather than going with it), the urge is already subsiding.

Interestingly, when we observe urges, they often lose their potency.

C. Visualize the Positive Consequences of Giving In to Your Destructive Urges

Go back to the urges to stay in bed. At that point, you could get yourself to think about your day ahead. If you do, you might realize that you have an enjoyable project to work on and that you are saving money for a down payment on your first house.

The difference between this example and visualizing the negative consequences of giving in is that the former uses your motivation to avoid negative consequences, whereas this one uses your motivation to achieve positive ones. Both can work rather well in the moment.

This is not surrender

Rather, this is an example of a couple working together - they both agree to work on these issues independently and together - there is no intimidating mention of BPD vs Non-BPD – it’s just two people building a bridge and ending the unhealthy cycle as a first step. From there they can look to more substantive work.

You can do this and still analyze if they want to stay or leave the relationship.

These are basic tools to stop the bleeding in your household.

This article was adapted from

The High Conflict Couple – A Dialectical Behavior Therapy Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy, & Validation by Alan E. Fruzzetti, Ph.D

# Paperback: 177 pages
# Publisher: New Harbinger Publications
# Language: English
# ISBN-10: 157224450X
# ISBN-13: 978-1572244504

Book Description

High Conflict Couple is a concise, easy to understand guide for couples seeking to deepen their relationship and ease their conflicts. This is an recommended book to share with your BPD partner as it doesn't make direct mention of BPD - other than the fact thaht the authors are all leaders in the field.

Some couples need more than just the run-of-the-mill relationship advice to solve their problems. When out-of-control emotions (BPD) are the root cause of problems in a relationship, no amount of effective communication or intimacy building will fix what ails it.

BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPFamily is a non-profit, co-op of over 50,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1994. We welcome you to join our free 24 hour on-line support community and grow with us as we learn to live better lives in the shadow of this disorder. For more information or to register, please cleck here. www.bpdfamily.com

Acceptance, when your parent has Borderline Personality Disorder

2010-04-12T07:00:00.003-05:00

Our possible attachments to our BPD parent(s) are many. They include the obvious ones, such as love, obligation, fear, guilt, habit, hurt, financial and other sorts of dependency, pity, affection, and more.

But they also include ones that are not so obvious, such as anger and hope. Anger at the abuse a BPD parent inflicted on us and the self-centered parenting many of us endured is natural and part of the process of recovery. Hope that our parent will change and become the mother or father we have longed for is deeply woven through us. We may not realize how much hope and anger we're holding on to and how those attachments may be holding back our own recovery. Ironically, it keeps us attached to our past and in some cases, to our parent.

What is acceptance and the different meanings and related emotions to those raised in an abusive environment. Acceptance may anger, frighten, or free you. How you choose to regard and/or act is very personal.

Step 18 of the BPDFamily.com Survivors' Guide found in the right hand panel at Coping With Parents, Relatives, or Inlaws with BPD Board reads as follows:

HEALING (Step 18)

This step involves making a decision about resolving the issues left over from your childhood abuse with those who abused you and/or failed to protect you: your parents/abusers. The important task in this step is to resolve the abuse with your family in a way that is acceptable to you. You have the right to choose how to do this. It is not mandatory to confront your parents, family or abusers, although many survivors find confrontation valuable. However, you want to maintain a relationship with your parents/abusers without hiding your recovery efforts or denying your new identity as a recovered survivor, you probably will need to do something. And, if there is to be a continuing relationship, your parents/abusers will need to accept you as you now desire to be accepted: with respect, consideration and acknowledgement of the burdens you have overcome.

You must remember that, because you are dealing with people who may never have faced or changed their own abusive behavior, the degree of resolution will depend on the extent to which they can acknowledge the abuse. For this reason, there is a wide range of possible resolutions which, ultimately, will determine whether you can still have some kind of relationship with your parents/ abusers. If you decide to confront them, it is critical that you go into it fully prepared for whatever responses or consequences follow. If they do not want to hear your experience or accept the person you are becoming, then you must face the question of whether ongoing contact will be healthy for you.

This step presents the big issue of whether to forgive your parents/abusers. In a sense, resolving the abuse means coming to terms with what was done to you and accepting the feelings you have toward the people that did it. For some people this means forgiveness, but not necessarily for you. Those who were very sadistically and severely abused may never be able to forgive their parents/abusers. Accepting that the abuse occurred and putting it all behind you once and for all may be the only resolution that makes sense and feels right. Deciding whether to forgive or accept is your choice and no one else's.

Author: BlackandWhite, Skip

© The Norma J. Morris Center, San Francisco, California

BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPFamily is a non-profit, co-op of over 50,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1998. We welcome you to join our free 24 hour on-line support community and grow with us as we learn to live better lives in the shadow of this disorder. For more information or to register, please click here. www.bpdfamily.com

What is a Personality Disorder?

2010-03-15T07:57:00.004-05:00

Perhaps you suspect that your loved one has a "personality disorder". Perhaps someone has told you that they think that you have a "personality disorder". You may not know what they are talking about. So what is it?

Definition: Personality disorders represent the failure to develop a sense of self-identity and the capacity for interpersonal functioning that are adaptive in the context of the individual’s cultural norms and expectations.

A. Adaptive failure is manifested in one or both of the following areas:

1. Impaired sense of self-identity as evidenced by one or more of the following:

Identity integration. Poorly integrated sense of self or identity (e.g., limited sense of personal unity and continuity; experiences shifting self-states; believes that the self presented to the world is a façade)
Integrity of self-concept. Impoverished and poorly differentiated sense of self or identity (e.g., difficulty identifying and describing self attributes; sense of inner emptiness; poorly delineated interpersonal boundaries; definition of the self changes with social context)
Self-directedness. Low self-directedness (e.g., unable to set and attain satisfying and rewarding personal goals; lacks direction, meaning, and purpose to life)

2. Failure to develop effective interpersonal functioning as manifested by one or more of the following:

Empathy. Impaired empathic and reflective capacity (e.g., finds it difficult to understand the mental states of others)
Intimacy. Impaired capacity for close relationships (e.g., unable to establish or maintain closeness and intimacy; inability to function as an effective attachment figure; inability to establish and maintain friendships)
Cooperativeness. Failure to develop the capacity for prosocial behavior (e.g., failure to develop the capacity for socially typical moral behavior; absence of altruism)
Complexity and integration of representations of others. Poorly integrated representations of others (e.g., forms separate and poorly related images of significant others)

B. Adaptive failure is associated with extreme levels of one or more personality traits.

C. Adaptive failure is relatively stable across time and consistent across situations with an onset that can be traced back at least to adolescence.

D. Adaptive failure is not solely explained as a manifestation or consequence of another mental disorder

E. Adaptive failure is not solely due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., severe head trauma)

Looking at this more broadly:

"Personality disorder, formerly referred to as a Character Disorder, is a class of mental disorders characterized by rigid and on-going patterns of thought and action. .... The inflexibility and pervasiveness of these behavioral patterns often cause serious personal and social difficulties, as well as a general functional impairment.

Personality disorders are defined by the American Psychiatric Association (APA) as "an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the culture of the individual who exhibits it". These patterns, as noted, are inflexible and pervasive across many situations...(and) perceived to be appropriate by that individual. The onset of these patterns of behavior can typically be traced back to late adolescence and the beginning of adulthood, and, in rare instances, childhood."

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, defines ten specific personality disorders, one of which is "borderline personality disorder".

The current system (DSM - IV) lists 10 personality disorders organized in 3 "clusters

Cluster A (odd or eccentric)
301.0 Paranoid personality disorder
301.20 Schizoid personality disorder
301.22 Schizotypal personality disorder
Cluster B (dramatic, emotional, or erratic)
301.7 Antisocial personality disorder
301.83 Borderline personality disorder
301.50 Histrionic personality disorder
301.81 Narcissistic personality disorder
Cluster C (anxious or fearful)
301.82 Avoidant personality disorder
301.6 Dependent personality disorder
301.4 Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder

The APA is also proposing a consolidation into 5 subtypes:

Borderline,
Antisocial/psychopathic (possibly with subtypes),
Schizotypal,
Avoidant, and
Obsessive-compulsive.

If you have a loved one that seems to be suffering from borderline personality disorder, please visit BPDfamily.com . We will welcome you warmly! If you believe that you have borderline personality disorder, check here for resources to help you.

Author: Skip

BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPFamily is a non-profit, co-op of over 50,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1998. We welcome you to join our free 24 hour on-line support community and grow with us as we learn to live better lives in the shadow of this disorder. For more information or to register, please click here. www.bpdfamily.com

Silent Treatment: When your partner acts as if you don't exist

2008-07-09T11:10:00.008-05:00

You may be familiar with that twisting, turning, sick feeling in the pit of your stomach when your partner is again falling into "silent treatment" mode. You may not know what you did that is causing her to ignore you and start the silent treatment... Or perhaps you thought you just had a minor disagreement.

Now perhaps she is just angry, and you will be able to discuss the situation in an hour or two. But perhaps, in your relationship, he ignores you for days, weeks, or months... all of the time barely looking at you, barely speaking to you. If you ask him what is wrong, he ignores you or tells you curtly that everything is "fine". But he is jolly, pleasant, even kind to others.. to a waitress, to a coworker, to a child. Yes, he may be playing with your child, talking sweetly to him, while you, Mom, stand nearby and he barely looks at you. If you ask him something, his face is locked into a cold stare. His eyes are cold. There is no love, no affection anywhere in his face.

Sometimes she will tell you what you did that was "wrong", wrong enough to provoke days of silence, and it may be something minor: You talked about something menial to her important friend at a party. You played with your salad. You put too much Parmesan cheese on the pasta. Or he got a good look at your thighs and you are developing cellulite.

Is it an intentional punishment? Maybe, maybe not. The partner may really be "splitting" you, common in those with borderline personality disorder. He/she actually doesn't regard you. You don't exist to him or her.

If you've experienced this kind of treatment, if you don't know how to handle it, join the discussions at BPDfamily.com. There's an ongoing Workshop on the Silent Treatment in which you can participate right now.

You aren't alone with this form of abuse. Others have experienced it also. And they may be able to help you deal with it.

BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPFamily is a non-profit, co-op of over 50,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1998. We welcome you to join our free 24 hour on-line support community and grow with us as we learn to live better lives in the shadow of this disorder. For more information or to register, please cleck here. www.bpdfamily.com

Success Stories: How I Gained Control of my Life

2008-07-01T14:21:00.006-05:00

Many people find BPDfamily.com when they are frustrated, angry, and at their wit's end about an abusive, out-of-control partner, parent, or child who seems to exhibit borderline personality disorder traits. Some are dealing with a partner who has left them and they are in deep despair about the situation. Some have been struggling with misery, abuse, the cycle of good times and bad times for months or even years.

However, there are many members of our BPDfamily forum who consider themselves "Success Stories". Some have managed to stay with the bpd person in their lives; some have moved on. But all have worked their way through the morass of misery, depression, anxiety, and lack of control that they felt as a result of these relationships.

The "Success Stories" Workshop is their place to talk about their journey out of pain and suffering to a productive, balanced, and happy life. If you are struggling you may wish to read their words of comfort and wisdom. BPDFamily has many members who have found their way through the maze... and they are happy to share their insights with you!

Author: JoannaK

BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPFamily is a non-profit, co-op of over 50,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1998. We welcome you to join our free 24 hour on-line support community and grow with us as we learn to live better lives in the shadow of this disorder. For more information or to register, please cleck here. www.bpdfamily.com

Can it be Borderline Personality if There is No Cutting or Substance Abuse?

2008-06-18T10:05:00.009-05:00

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is widely associated with self harming, suicidal ideation, substance abuse, and difficulty holding employment or staying in school. However there are many people with clinical BPD or BPD traits that are not self destructive and are very productive in school and the workplace. The later are often missed by family or physicians as having BPD traits - but are seen as difficult or "characterless" people. When this happens, the family and clinical responses can exacerbate the problems rather than help.

To support a difficult loved one and to make appropriate family decisions it is important to understand what is affecting your family member - are they mentally ill or are they just troubled? BPDFamily.com is a support group for family and friends to explore issues like this.

20 percent of all psychiatric inpatients have BPD, as do 10 percent of all mental health outpatients according to the American Psychiatric Association. Their characteristics of low functioning borderlines include:

1. They acknowledge they have some behavior problems (not necessarily BPD, however)

2. They cope with pain through self-destructive behavior, such as self-injury and actions that put them in harm’s way. The term for this is “acting in”

3. They (often desperately) seek help from the mental health system. Some are hospitalized for their own safety. They may often become very attached to their professional caregivers

4. They have a difficult time with daily functioning and may even be disabled. This is called “low functioning”

5. If they have overlapping (“comorbid) other disorders, they tend to be the kind that require intensive professional treatment, such as Bipolar, Clinical Depression, or an Eating Disorder

6. Family members’ greatest challenges are keeping their loved one alive and functioning. Other concerns might be their inability to, earn their own living and adequately parent their child.

In a discussion on BPDFamily.com, Randi Kreger, co-author of Stop Walking on Eggshells, says the situation with high functioning borderlines will look more like this:

"1. Denial is their primary characteristic. They disavow having any problems and see no need to change. Relationship difficulties, they say, are everyone else’s fault. If family members suggests they may have BPD, they almost always accuse the other person of having it instead. (This is why I strongly advise non-BPs to leave this disclosure to a trained professional)

2. They cope with their pain by raging outward, blaming and accusing family members for real or imagined problems (“acting out”)

3. They refuse to seek help from the mental health system unless someone threatens to end the relationship. If they do go, they usually don’t intend to work on their own issues. In couples therapy, their goal is often to convince the therapist that they are being victimized

4. They may hide their low self-esteem behind a brash, confident pose that hides their inner turmoil. They usually function quite well at work and only display aggressive behavior toward those close to them (high functioning). But the black hole in the gut and their intense self-loathing are still there. It’s just buried deeper

5. If they also have other mental disorders, they’re ones that also allow for high functioning such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD). (These mostly appear concurrently in men—especially APD)

6. Family members’ greatest challenges include coping with verbal abuse, protecting children, trying to get their family member to seel treatment, and maintaining their self-esteem and sense of reality. Partners, especially, are in relationships with Cluster Two BPs. "

BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPFamily is a non-profit, co-op of over 50,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1998. We welcome you to join our free 24 hour on-line support community and grow with us as we learn to live better lives in the shadow of this disorder. For more information or to register, please cleck here. www.bpdfamily.com